Another long day today. I went to school feeling real edgy today. I had a hunch that we might be getting our Literature of physical results today, thus my anxiety.
I thought Tim Dore would come in during Lit lecture today and give us our papers, but what we got was Paul "Pork Chop" Chow. Crazy guy that fellow. Went saying things about dancing naked on the stage and the Malay dance people looking like drag queens. Some sense of humour he's got...
I did manage to know my results for physical geog though. 34/45, not too bad. Plus my overall for my geography was a B. That was perhaps the best thing today. Might be a compensation for my atrocious econs results. Still...must work harder, I know I'm capable of getting the vaunted A for geography. MUST GET THAT A!!!
Brian just got back his econs result. He got an E overall. He's practically pissed with himself and fuming mad, he went a bit "nut case" during GP, i don't blame him, besides going nuts is a good way to relieve the anger. I wonder how his parents are handling it...he was wondering with a considerable amount of fear on how he should break the news to his parents.
Yo Brian!!! If you're reading this...don't worry, BE HAPPY!!! It sucks when you get lousy marks, but its better to get lousy marks now then later during the big A's. You hear me buddy!!?? Chill man!!! Let's work for that B or A together!!!
Now i just got to worry about lit results...geez...I hope I do well. I get this foreboding that I might not perform THAT well though...but I always get this feeling when I'm anticipating results. Wonder what old Dore's up to. I heard from Adib during chinese that he was interviewed by the News. He was at his favourite bar and hangout place. For good reason apparently...that was the last day his revered bar was to be open. Apparently the authorities were planning on closing the bar to build a road or someting across it. I kind of feel sad for the old bugger...and contemptuous at the same time! What the hell was he doing at the bar when we were here in school dying from the tension of waiting for our results!!! But we can't blame him...he's got his own passions as well...we're all ultimately human after all.
Friday, July 18, 2003
Sigh...I haven't been updating my blog for a few days now...just too lazy to do it. Just got my economics results today. FAILED!!! I refuse to concede defeat though, I believe I can pass in future!!!
Okay...I passed my econs case study with 17/50. Failed my essay and MCQ both with 13/50 and 13/30 respectively. Total? Only an AO pass of 40%. Depressing? Not that much actually...I was more relieved that I didn't fail so badly...what an odd concept...failing with grace...I guess I was mentally prepared since I knew beforehand that my entire class failed! Even before that I was anticipating failure (resultswise not spiritwise).
My human geography was slightly better. 28.5/45. That makes 63% if converted to over 100%. Would you believe that my score was the best in the cohort!!! That was perhaps my one comfort preventing me from getting even more perturbed than I already am. There was another girl from a science class that got the same score as me...stiff competition i'd say. This is competition of the good natured and academic kind not the cutthroat type. My friend Brian seems to think his class has a lot of this cutthroat competition...especially after that small "incident" that kinda got him pissed with some other friend of his (who I know as well).
I've changed...a lot...I notice it myself. Back then...such poor dismal marks that I'm getting would have sent me in a downward spiral into depression. Even during a tutorial, getting a question wrong would induce me to perceive that the end of the world is coming. Thats the truth! No kiding! And if Brian...if you're reading this...thats why I had a higher frequency of doing the "nut-case special".
Now I'm proud to say that my dismal marks don't depress me as much. I accept it and move on...with a greater determination to get good marks. I consider this a good sign, I personally think it is a sign of emotional maturity. I have Pre U Sem to thank for this...the experience as well as getting the opportunity to lead the oral presentation team gave me a new sense of confidence I never really had before. The good thing is that my confidence is not being undermined by......other......factors (I do not feel it is time to discuss these "factors" as yet, care to take a guess Brian? I doubt you'll guess right!).
Sigh...I still miss those days at Pre U Sem. They were a life changing experience (Brian would MOST DEFINATELY agree! RIGHT A NOT BRIAN!!!???). Ah yes...Agatha...the girl with the "tude" that I felt somewhat attracted too...well...she's practically not answered my sms and e-mails now. Sad...but there are more fish in the sea. i might have frightened her of. Must be more refined and subtle in my fishing technique. Agatha? I've gotten over her. Frankly my interest in her was only one of curiosity. I was only merely entertaining the thought of a relationship with her, I was never really THAT serious (don't dispute me on this one Brian...i know myself). Although...I did feel guilt...guilt at scaring her off or maybe freaking her out. I hate it when I scare people off or give them the wrong impressions.
I think thats enough for today. I've done some self-reflection already. I'll end with this little quote thats kinda cool...
Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
-Thomas Edison (or was it Newton...I always confuse the two...)
Okay...I passed my econs case study with 17/50. Failed my essay and MCQ both with 13/50 and 13/30 respectively. Total? Only an AO pass of 40%. Depressing? Not that much actually...I was more relieved that I didn't fail so badly...what an odd concept...failing with grace...I guess I was mentally prepared since I knew beforehand that my entire class failed! Even before that I was anticipating failure (resultswise not spiritwise).
My human geography was slightly better. 28.5/45. That makes 63% if converted to over 100%. Would you believe that my score was the best in the cohort!!! That was perhaps my one comfort preventing me from getting even more perturbed than I already am. There was another girl from a science class that got the same score as me...stiff competition i'd say. This is competition of the good natured and academic kind not the cutthroat type. My friend Brian seems to think his class has a lot of this cutthroat competition...especially after that small "incident" that kinda got him pissed with some other friend of his (who I know as well).
I've changed...a lot...I notice it myself. Back then...such poor dismal marks that I'm getting would have sent me in a downward spiral into depression. Even during a tutorial, getting a question wrong would induce me to perceive that the end of the world is coming. Thats the truth! No kiding! And if Brian...if you're reading this...thats why I had a higher frequency of doing the "nut-case special".
Now I'm proud to say that my dismal marks don't depress me as much. I accept it and move on...with a greater determination to get good marks. I consider this a good sign, I personally think it is a sign of emotional maturity. I have Pre U Sem to thank for this...the experience as well as getting the opportunity to lead the oral presentation team gave me a new sense of confidence I never really had before. The good thing is that my confidence is not being undermined by......other......factors (I do not feel it is time to discuss these "factors" as yet, care to take a guess Brian? I doubt you'll guess right!).
Sigh...I still miss those days at Pre U Sem. They were a life changing experience (Brian would MOST DEFINATELY agree! RIGHT A NOT BRIAN!!!???). Ah yes...Agatha...the girl with the "tude" that I felt somewhat attracted too...well...she's practically not answered my sms and e-mails now. Sad...but there are more fish in the sea. i might have frightened her of. Must be more refined and subtle in my fishing technique. Agatha? I've gotten over her. Frankly my interest in her was only one of curiosity. I was only merely entertaining the thought of a relationship with her, I was never really THAT serious (don't dispute me on this one Brian...i know myself). Although...I did feel guilt...guilt at scaring her off or maybe freaking her out. I hate it when I scare people off or give them the wrong impressions.
I think thats enough for today. I've done some self-reflection already. I'll end with this little quote thats kinda cool...
Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
-Thomas Edison (or was it Newton...I always confuse the two...)
Friday, July 11, 2003
Denial...hmmm...an interesting psychological condition.
A friend of mine read my previous blog entries (the one where I was talkin about failure) and claimed that I was in a state of denial. In part he might be right as I am trying to avoid the fact that I did fail in my tests. But I tend to disagree.
I was merely toying around with the notions of failure and trying to convince myself that failure is a relative subject. However I do still maintain the truth in my mind that (statistically) I did fail my exams. I did not fully (as in mentally and physically) deny that I failed my exams. Therefore I would argue that I am not completely denying my lacklustre performance in my exams.
Denial eh? An interesting topic for todays discussion. I tend to view denial as the complete inability to accept the current circumstance or reality which one finds himself in. This is a rather generalised and extreme view on the subject though...denial exists on several levels although most of the time is closely associated with depression.
A friend of mine read my previous blog entries (the one where I was talkin about failure) and claimed that I was in a state of denial. In part he might be right as I am trying to avoid the fact that I did fail in my tests. But I tend to disagree.
I was merely toying around with the notions of failure and trying to convince myself that failure is a relative subject. However I do still maintain the truth in my mind that (statistically) I did fail my exams. I did not fully (as in mentally and physically) deny that I failed my exams. Therefore I would argue that I am not completely denying my lacklustre performance in my exams.
Denial eh? An interesting topic for todays discussion. I tend to view denial as the complete inability to accept the current circumstance or reality which one finds himself in. This is a rather generalised and extreme view on the subject though...denial exists on several levels although most of the time is closely associated with depression.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
New day...new pains...just got word from my Economics teacher that my ENTIRE class failed the economics mid-year examinations test! She said only 50% of my class managed to pass with 2 digit scores over 50 for the essays! Thoroughly depressing! Now I have to contend with the certainty of failure and the uncertainty of the magnitude of my failure...
...well at least there is some certainty today, abeit it being bad news...
Hmmm...failure...a very feared word, especially in Singapore. Why do we fear failure? How do you define failure? What is failure in the first place? Is it my inability to achieve the minimum passing grade for my tests? Is it not being able to secure a job with 4 to 5 figure pay? If so than failure is simply a compilation of statistics, a repository of numbers implicating poor performance. Poor performance equals failure? I think not...humans are essentially flawed...we eventually meet with mistakes and our own inabilities. Do we than say that we have failed? That sounds rather final, too resolute for so trivial or small a thing, although exams are seldom small issues. Then again, what significance is this exam in the space of my lifetime, especially since this exam has no life altering implications? NO! I refuse to believe this is failure!
Failure can only occur in a situation of complete fragmentation, a circumstance of total breakdown of EVERYTHING around you. But how do you know if everything around you has been withdrawn and denied or completely destroyed? It all boils down to how you perceive your circumstances doesn't it? It is simply a matter of the human will, the will to get up, dust off the dirt...and keep going. If I am capable of doing so...wouldn't it suffice to say that there is no such thing as failure? Of course, this is under the assumption that I have that mental and physical willpower. A quality that few humans (myself excluded) possess.
Still, I must push on for better or for worse. I am only 17+ years old. I still have a life to live. I take comfort that there is the possibility that there is no such thing as failure in this world. Onward Benji!!! Onward!!!
...well at least there is some certainty today, abeit it being bad news...
Hmmm...failure...a very feared word, especially in Singapore. Why do we fear failure? How do you define failure? What is failure in the first place? Is it my inability to achieve the minimum passing grade for my tests? Is it not being able to secure a job with 4 to 5 figure pay? If so than failure is simply a compilation of statistics, a repository of numbers implicating poor performance. Poor performance equals failure? I think not...humans are essentially flawed...we eventually meet with mistakes and our own inabilities. Do we than say that we have failed? That sounds rather final, too resolute for so trivial or small a thing, although exams are seldom small issues. Then again, what significance is this exam in the space of my lifetime, especially since this exam has no life altering implications? NO! I refuse to believe this is failure!
Failure can only occur in a situation of complete fragmentation, a circumstance of total breakdown of EVERYTHING around you. But how do you know if everything around you has been withdrawn and denied or completely destroyed? It all boils down to how you perceive your circumstances doesn't it? It is simply a matter of the human will, the will to get up, dust off the dirt...and keep going. If I am capable of doing so...wouldn't it suffice to say that there is no such thing as failure? Of course, this is under the assumption that I have that mental and physical willpower. A quality that few humans (myself excluded) possess.
Still, I must push on for better or for worse. I am only 17+ years old. I still have a life to live. I take comfort that there is the possibility that there is no such thing as failure in this world. Onward Benji!!! Onward!!!
First day back at school today. Positively suffering from "holiday withdrawal syndrome". Tutors say my class did badly in our tests. As for me...I alone remain uncertain on my performance during my mid-year exams. I can only do what all my fellow humans do in such times of uncertainty...pray, and hope for the best...
On a more positive note, my failure here is not the end. I entertain a notion that failing now is better, beneficial in fact, than failing during the preliminaries or the actual A Level exams. As all my fellow humans say in such times of uncertainty: "Life goes on..."
Is it not such a perplexing irony, what we homo sapiens do to comfort or condemn ourselves in times of uncertainty? Then again, sometimes uncertainty is what makes our lives worth living is it not? Yet we fear and are repelled by the slightest hint of uncertainty...again, such perplexing irony...
Well...thats life, a cycle of perplexing ironies and paradoxes...
On a more positive note, my failure here is not the end. I entertain a notion that failing now is better, beneficial in fact, than failing during the preliminaries or the actual A Level exams. As all my fellow humans say in such times of uncertainty: "Life goes on..."
Is it not such a perplexing irony, what we homo sapiens do to comfort or condemn ourselves in times of uncertainty? Then again, sometimes uncertainty is what makes our lives worth living is it not? Yet we fear and are repelled by the slightest hint of uncertainty...again, such perplexing irony...
Well...thats life, a cycle of perplexing ironies and paradoxes...
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
I am the eye at the centre of the storm. Chaos reigns around me, there is death and destruction. In the midst of the chaos I will be the calm and the peace. I will not waver, I will not succumb to rage. Where there is rage, there is the storm. When the storm has passed, I will remain. Unharmed, in control and at peace.
-Thoughts against Anger
-Thoughts against Anger
Monday, July 07, 2003
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-Litany Against Fear
-Litany Against Fear
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