I HATH LIVED

Darkness,
Thou try'est to blind me,
Thou try'est to kill me,
Yet hath I to fall.
This I swear'th,
To fight
To thy dying breath.
To stand
To thy dying end.

Darkness,
Thou might blind me,
Thou might kill me,
Before thee I might fall.
But I hath sworn
To fight
To thy dying breath.
To stand
To dying end.

Thou might bring'st death
Unto me.
But I say to thee,
Laugh not, out loud,
Chide not, your triumph,
For though thou kill'est me,
For though I die'st,
I hath fought thee,
I hath stood against thee.

For mine fighting,
For mine standing,
I hath lived.
I HATH LIVED!

Wow! Its been a long time since I've updated my blog. Didn't have the time or will to do it for a while.

Only two or so weeks to my prelim examinations. Then its only a few weeks after that till the A' Level!!! =-(
This is very scary!!! And to top it all off...my revision for my tests is falling severly behind schedule! Like what Bjorn (a guy from my economics tution class) said "there's never enough time".

Fear seizes the mind, this is so in my case. As my literature teacher puts it, it causes the "paralysis of the will". I have somehow managed to find the determination to carry on with my studies. It occured quite randomly...I was worrying about my studies as usual when it just suddenly struck me, "you only die once". its quite silly actually, I remembered this quote from an episode of Ally McBeal (a sitcom that I now find...stupid). Somehow it stuck to me.

It was the same quote that I used to sustain me through Pre U Sem. During the myriad presentations and lectures given by various VIPs, I made it a point to ask questions on behalf of my college. It was a gripping process I tell you. I experienced a nearly overwhelming fear, a fear that turned my hands cold, a fear that turned my will against me, a fear that made me want to shrink into the shadows in obscurity. When that happens I told myself, "look here buddy, you only die once! Give it a shot!" And that was that, i managed to pluck up my courage and ask those questions in an entire lecture theatre full of students (some of them with malicious intent).

I had forgotten this quote after Pre U Sem. Then I found it back again. It wasn't the kind of discovery that gave you "a universal feeling of well-being, inspiration and enlightenment", I personally don't belief in the kind of...bullshit. But I got this feeling, this gut feeling, that this is it...this is why I am here, in JJC.

I am here in JJC to gain an education. An education into life and academia. I only have one life, one chance, one shot, I have to make it count!

So come on fear. Give me your best shot. You won't be beating down this little guy. I don't care if my revision is behind schedule...I don't care if I get worried or that I entertain premonitions of doom...I have one life to live, one life to make it count, I have to be all I can be.

I am going to study! I will study! I will enter my exams with the knowledge that I have tried my best. I will study not for good grades...but because this is what life is all about...doing your best. And on that day I walk into the school hall to collect my results, I will have my head up high, I will walk the walk, I wil be a pillar of steely confidence. And when I receive the slip bearing my results, I might laugh, I might cry, but I have this one assurance that I will thence be proud of, that i would have tried my best, that I would have fulfilled the one prime purpose in life, to make the most of it and to try once best...against all odds.

If I succeed and my goals are reached...I will laugh in the face of fear and doubt and all that has ever stood in my way. If I fail to reach my destination, my head will still be high. Though my heart will bear the burden of sorrow and sadness, I will still stand tall. My happiness can be taken, but not my dignity, not my pride! For I would have lived! FOR I HAVE LIVED!!!

And for that...I will still laugh...for fear, doubt and all that stood in my way have not defeated me. They might have lowered me a notch. But they have not killed my spirit, they have not killed my soul. FOR I HAVE LIVED!!!

This I promise myself, I will study and study hard. In the end, whether success or failure prevails...it won't matter in the long run...FOR I HAVE LIVED!

Phew...today was one crazy day. CRAZY!!! I never went through a day quite lie this...

Okay first I get back a failed GP essay and I become grouchy for a while...but I recover a short while after that. Thankfully I didn't go overdrive into my "nutcase special" as my friend Brian calls it. I got to geography class and I observe that Chi is mighty upset about something. On his table was a box with a fabric-like cover typical of those boxes used to contain antiques from China.

I remember seeing that box formerly in the posession of Claudia during GP. I asked her what it conatins...she said it was personal. During geog, Chi abruptly turned around back to Claudia and gave the box back saying "its not mine..." I asked Ming Hann what this was all about. He said he knew what was in the box...but refused to tell me because he was not obliged to reveal things of such a personal nature. he obviously knew something was going on and he warned me not to get involved. I agreed.

Then later while we were going towards LT1 for our econs lecture, Lay Hoon marches up to Joshua and they erupt into an explosive argument. At first i thought they were just joking (Joshua and Lay Hoon usually engage in friendly arguments) but after a while I realised they were REALLY arguing. I tell you...all the vulgarities came out...thankfully no teacher was there. I can't really make heads or tails of what they were quarreling about...something about Joshua harassing Lay Hoon's friend and something about somebody insulting somebody's parents as well...than there was Ming Hann trying to act as peacekeeper and trying to "cool down" Joshua...

After geog lecture, I saw Claudia and Chi talking...by the time i was within earshot range...Chi was starting to walk away...I heard Claudia saying, "I'm trying to break up with you lor...thanks a lot!" Yup, something is definately up man.

Immediately after that, I heard Shermaine, Lay Hoon and Chi talking about a "her", presumably Claudia and something about her not understanding or being sensitive to his feelings.

Then after lessons I was going home at the bus stop when I saw Claudia...sitting very closely next to another guy who I don't recognise (in JJC uniform). I mean they were sitting REALLY CLOSE to each other...you know...arm to arm? They were just sitting there quietly, Claudia evidently distressed, somewhat looking angry from the looks on her face...

Like I said to Aida during our lunch break...today is one of those crazy days.

All this "class politics" is very distracting. I was initially very concerned about what was going on, especially since these people were my friends. But thinking about what Ming Hann said...its better to ignore friendship and political issues right now...now is the time for studying, not bickering.

Today was a real eye opener...there is great discord in my class...Shermaine, by siding with Chi might be effectively cutting her formerly close ties with Claudia. Then of course there is that argument between Joshua and Lay Hoon...made worse by the fact that Claudia is now very close to Joshua...I see a split...a split into two different camps...possibly of war...

Am I exaggerating? I think not...I doubt these things will clear over quickly...giving to the temperamental nature of the subjects currently involved in this debacle. Despite all this, i have chosen my side...which is my own. I best not get involved, now is the time to be a bit selfish I think, especially with exams round the corner.

I can only pray that all these quarrels will blow over...I sincerely hope that we can end this year and the A levels on a note of joy and pleasant memories...instead of pain and hate. Although I maintain that I will remain neutral and unconcerned...I cannot help but feel helpless and sorry for the quarrelling parties. They must have sustained great emotional damage already...