Today was my birthday!!! You know what I got for a birthday present??? I got to get up early in the morning...go to Pioneer Junior College to sit for Chinese B Oral!!! Some birthday present huh??? Actually I shouldn't be grumbling, I think I fared fairly well for my oral.

Went out with Brian after that. Bought my first Zone CD (which I am listening too while writing this). Ate steamboat too!!! Sigh...tomorrow still got my Chinese tuition...well...at least 99% of my prelims is over...I still got chinese B prelims but i think i can slack a bit and rest.

Rest...that word...I am beginning to love that word...

HEY!!! TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! I SHOULD BE HAPPY!!!
I can look forward to a new CD and MP3 player though, my dad promised to "sponsor" me the money. Haha. Finally!!! My very own player man!!!

Frankly...can't wait to get it!!! YEAH!!!

I feel...deflated...just got home from my human geography paper and boy am I spent! Not that the paper was hard or anything, I'm just tired...in fact the paper was quite alright.

I looked at one of the pics me friend Brian posted on Maiko. Suddenly this realisation dawned on me...she kinda looks like one of my classmates too. Yup...she reminds me of a much much much slimmer version of my classmate Glory. Yah...definately...the same face shape, that hair style, except that my classmate Glory is...a bit on the...chubby side? Ah well...

Arrgh...I'm brain dead right now...I think I'll just chill out today and recuperate from today's test, really drained me man...3 hours of super non-stop writing. My hand aches. I think I'll just go chiil out and have some fun.

Geez...this has got to be one of my shortest posts ever!!! :)

Darn it. just had my Literature paper 8 prelim test today (comment and appreciation). I think I screwed it up. Used about four sheets of paper. For my first essay, I wrote about nearly three pages. For my second essay I wrote about three and a quarter page. In my opinion, I think I wrote too little. Miss Latimer told us to go back and analyse ourselves. Thats what I intend to do now.

I initially adopted this attitude of thinking that I couldn't do anything about paper 8. You either had it or you don't. After all...in paper 8 you don't have a text to study. But i stand by what Reuben said today, we can't just stand by and say that we can't do anything for paper 8, there are things we can do to prepare.

Second, I have to be more disciplined. This bloody computer is one hell of a distraction, I'm too damn addicted to computers and computer games. I have to learn how to exert more restraint. I'm really impressed by Brian...he actually writes essays for his history...me? I just read my geography text...and even then I have trouble concentrating on the text, my mind always running all over the place. Reuben is right...it would be good if I failed my prelims, at least that would scare the shit out of me into seriousness. It seems my class's slack attitude has spread to me...

Now I'm putting blame on others...actually whether I fail or pass is up to me, I can't go around blaming other people for my false.

Its wierd really...initially I was really putting in some sort of effort...now I'm slacking off too much. I guess its fatigue and its somewhat normal in exam conditions. Still...I am not going to use this as an excuse for my inherent laziness. Its time to buck up Benji boy!!!

Haha...Brian gave me a preview of the Zone DVD cover. Now ALL the zone girls have long hair. I like long hair, I don't know why, I think it gives a certain feminine elegance to girls. Hah...but the Zone girls...they all look so decent now...like school girls (actually they are).

Here's something to be grouchy about...I spend two days downloading the Homeworld 2 (an RTS PC game) demo. 50% on the first day and the other 50% on the next. Then it says I need DirectX 9.0 to play. Okay fine...so I download the darn thing from the internet. When I play the game they tell me that the game operates best on OpenGL 1.3, mine was 1.2. Thats not all...my hardware does not support some per pixel dot shit thing and cube mapping and I have to upgrade my hardware to play the darn game. I try playing the game and it just hangs up and returns me to windows. Sheesh...spend so long downloading it and I can't play the shit game.

However, now that i'm thinking about it, perhaps thats a good thing, fewer distractions to my studies. Perhaps god is doing me a favour by preventing me from playing that demo. Thats the thing about me see...when I get a new game...I start playing it like nobody's business and all I do is think of it and want to play it. Frightening eh? Thats the price you pay for computer game addiction.

Like I said before...enough playin and foolin around...time to get serious and down to business! I vow to do my best for my A's, I will study and study hard, I will make the most of my life. I only get one shot, might as well make it count. I will go in with guns blazing...so help me god!

Sigh...I feel...tired. Just got back from econs tuition and dinner with my dad. Man! My econs tutor really knows her stuff, the way she analyses and evaluates the essay...phew! Sometimes she intimidates me, makes it seem as though you have to be THAT good to get that illusive "A".

Ate at a Japanese restaurant today. Hoshi, at IMM. My dad and I were walking about after that, we visited Courts looking at the prices of Laptops, PCs and CD PLAYERS! I saw a nice one that looked like the one Dan Dan (one of my college acquaintances) has. Too bad, it can't play MP3!!! That sucks...but it was only about 200+ bucks, I suppose so, viewing that its more or less just a discman. What happened next was kinda surprising. I saw Mr. Anand and his wife at Courts. He was right in front of me but he didn't notice me, he took a right turn when he was about a metre in front of me. I pointed to my dad and he recognised him too. Thats something eh? Mr Anand is one of the Literature tutors at my college, quite a good one too. He's not the type you'd fancy meeting at Courts though...

Ah well...thats it for today. I don't want to think about studying or revision right now...too tired. Ciao!

It has come...the fear I mean...it has finally arrived. Went for a dentist's appointment at SGH, School Dental Centre today. Got me teeth checked out and polished. Doctor gave me a letter to the National Dental Centre, apparently I have a wisdom tooth that has not erected properly (perhaps this explains my lack of knowing and wisdom? Haha).

I came home, took a nap took a bath. In the bathroom, on the toilet seat (yah naked and all, don't start imagining things), having a shit and thinking about my prelims and studies when i finally realised that what I am attempting to accomplish cannot be done by this week. For tha past few days I have been revising by making my own notes from my school notes. A tedious process that I now realise is a bit too slow. Suffice to say...my revision has gone too slow as a result. At this realisation...the fear struck.

Its always like this, no matter how hard I prepare, fear will launch a sneak attack that always catches me by surprise. Surprise might be a tactical advantage as they say in the military but unlike in warfare, this element of surprise has...shall we say...questionable effectiveness on the part of fear.

As I have said before, no matter how scared I am or how slow my revision is...I am determined...determined to do my best at all my tests no matter how shitty my revision was. I will not let fear get the best of me...instead I will use fear as a driving force...to fuel my energy to study and revise...yes...that should be the way.

I have another dentist's appointment next week Friday. I can only thank god that I have no exams on that day. Gotta get that slanted wisdom tooth checked out (bad connotations and all intended).

Life goes on...the bell tolls for thee, I take up the call to arms and I charge headlong into the face of fear...

AHHHHHH...its been awhile. Would have loved to have written here last night...but for some reason...couldn't get to this blog site...must have been overloaded with people or something.

Beautiful rain last night...I love rain, can't explain why, perfectly condusive mood for writing. Too bad I couldn't.

Tuesday already. Been doing quite a bit of studying. Finished Economic change and Developement for human geog (its not econs though it sounds like it). Did econs today. Finished making notes for Labour Market, Unemployment and Economic Growth. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this is still not enough. I would have loved to have started revision earlier. I didn't have the time and will to do it...its hard to do your homework and
do revision and have energy for both.

Still...I'm glad that at least I've gotten underway, that nagging voice in my head has quietened down a bit. I can take comfort in saying that at least I've put in the work.

Still Reuben or Brian would probably tell me that the work alone is not enough and they'd be right. Whats the point in putting in the work and not succeeding? I read Brian's blog, quite pessimistic but definately realistic, quite different from my previous long rambling entry. I guess I had a quite an inspiration that night.

I still stand by what I said though. The point I was making was making is psychological as well as philosophical. Nothing in live that has worth can be achieved without work. That's what I'm doing now. The point is that work is not a ponderous business, it is a journey that leads to the culmination of a result, ultimately an experience in life. I believe that the process of work contributes to that final experience even if it is painful. Experiences are what make up the life and the person. Thereby the process of work is the process of experiencing life (most would disagree). If you work, and you work hard, you have experienced a part of life despite the consequence, be it success or failure. Thats why I say that even in working, one has lived.

I admit that this philosophy is somewhat...optimistic or utopian even...perhaps a tad bit too romantic. Life is sometimes an extremely arduous, sometimes painful ordeal. I have experienced it myself. I entertain such ideas as a source for inspiration and strengh, so far it has provided me with the will to continue my studies.

My other reason is much more personal. Ever since I entered JJC my life has taken a turn for better. My skin has improved dramatically, I have friends and most amazing of all...I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE!!! Something I never thought I would ever experience. Since then I have become tired of unhappiness, fear and doubt. I was quite dark once...no longer...I have seen the light. Fear, doubt and the darkness will always remain, whether they exist at the moment or as scars of memory...it does not matter. I am now determined to embrace the light, to at least become a better person.

In the course of that, I have resolved myself not to give in to dispair and be gripped by all consuming fear. That is why I have forged my little saying. So that if I do fail (of which there is a real possibility), I will have the strengh to move on and that I will not give in to dispair. And thats that.

Oh dear...another long tiresome and rambling entry! AH! Why bother! I come here to reflect upon my life anyway! Here's a toast to life and living!!!