All the Worlds a Stage

Shanghaied!!! FOOD!!! Yummy! - Part 3

2007-06-26T00:43:00.000+08:00

Now I finally get to this post for my Shanghai trip. Arguably perhaps the most important one, that of food! Seriously, how can someone go to China and not talk about food? That would be a good trip wasted! Apologies...this post is late, I finally get my lazy butt to do this post. I guess blogging isn't one of my regular habits.

Ok...the food in Shanghai is...unique. Familiar and yet strangely alien. Mainly if I'm not wrong, the majority of Singapore's Chinese population hail from a different region (Fujian province? Southern coastal regions?), and are more familiar with the cuisine that we know and love in Singapore (which was probably brought over by our forefathers from China).

Anyway, the food in Shanghai tends to be saltier...and oilier. So it takes getting used to, its a weight watchers nightmare. But since I'm there for a holiday...that makes a good excuse to PIG OUT!!! There are some very unique food items in the regions that I visited. First, I'm sure people are familiar with Xiao Long Bao, which you can get at Crystal Jade. But the Xiao Long Bao in Shanghai is somewhat different. For starters, the Bao is actually very juicy and requires a certain technique to eat. Our tour guide warned us first-timers about eating Shanghai Xiao Long Bao. They recklessly bite into the Bao, resulting in the juice (or soup) being shot from the corner of your mouth into some poor soul's face (which would definately be argument/confrontation worthy by local Chinese standards). The correct technique is to bite a bit off the bao to make a small hole, you drink/suck the soup up first through the hole before you take a big bite and finish the rest of the Bao off.

Another interesting dish is Dong Po Rou (Dong Po Meat). Essentially its an exceptionally rich (fatty) slice of pork (what we locally know better as Kong Bak), marinated with herbs and spices. Again the tour guide warned us that the Dong Po Rou is not exactly health food, but they only served us one small slice...so might as well eat it anyway, fats and all. I have to say, it was probably the best slice of pork I have ever eaten! Yummy!

Now in Nanjing for some reason they have a fetish for duck. And one of their specialty duck dishes is salted duck, which is actually served cold. Obviously the duck tastes salty, and since its served cold the meat can be quite stiff, but my father said it was one of his favourite dishes on the trip, and I tend to agree though it needs getting used to. Its a unique taste different from the herbal and roasted duck we Singaporeans like.

Back to Bao's. Ever heard of "Tang Bao" (Soup Bao)? Its different from the previously mentioned Xiao Long Bao in that instead of meat inside the Bao what you get is soup! Thats right! Soup in a Bao! The Bao is made in such a way that theres a little hole at the top where you actually stick a straw in and sluuurp up the soup. Then you can dig out the rest of the Bao from the bamboo steamer-like container and eat the skin. Cute eh? The soup takes some getting used to as its quite saltish.

Almost every meal we had included a fish dish. Don't expect pomfret or sea bass or tilapia though. The fish they eat are fresh water fish and tend to have a slight muddy odour about them. That and they're extremely bony. Lots and lots of fine small bones which make them real tricky to eat. Its not likely that you'll choke on them, just that if one of them bones get stuck on your teeth then...ouch. They still taste good when properly cooked though, almost like any well cooked steamed fish you eat at the restaurants in Singapore (just don't expect Chilly Crab, they don't have that over there).

Almost every meal was accompanied with watermelons. Without fail...watermelons at the table signal that this is the last dish (which is ok cause the restaurants which my tour group ate in had several numerous dishes, so many it was intimidating). According to daddy, the Chinese farmers plant watermelons to make an extra buck while waiting in between rice planting seasons. You can always count on a Chinese mind to think of stuff to sell...and make money.

Every meal is also curiously accompanied by a bottle (or two because of the size of the table) of beer (a locally produced light beer, good for the ladies) and a 1 litre bottle of various western soft drinks (Sprite and Coke usually). In Nanjing they gave us a taste of the famous Tsingtao Rice Wine (I think thats what it was). I tell you that liquid is FIERCE! Its a very strong alcoholic drink. Drinking it down feels like drinking hot lava or something. One member of our tour group subsequently got a red face though he wasn't drunk. Really strong stuff that was.

Another thing I really ought to cover in China is tea. They brought us to a tea plantation in Hangzhou where we get to sample the supposedly famous Long Jing Cha (Dragon Well Tea). There are several variants of Long Jing Cha, the one we tried (supposedly the most authentic and best tasting) was Xihu Long Jing Cha (West Lake Dragon Well Tea), so named after Hangzhou's iconic Xihu lake (and a huge and very beautiful lake it was). Curiously enough they don't harvest the mature tea leaves, they go after the young shoots that contain the most flavour. Dry them out (which takes quite a bit of time) and fry them a bit with some oil, which mysteriously disappears as it gets absorbed and dissapated by the tea leaves. We got to taste a sample of some good quality Longjingcha. Now I do drink tea, though I'm not a tea fanatic, but you don't need a degree in tea making (which was apparently the qualification of the Manager who gave the sales talk) to know that the tea is really good. It tasted fresh, natural and very refreshing with a very rich aroma.

Some tips on making tea, or tea in general:

For heavens sake don't boil the tea leaves!!! You're killing off the vitamins and all those nice healthy tea leaf properties! If you want your tea hot, put it in warm water about 80 degrees C, no more than that.
The best way (apparently discovered by the Japanese) to make your tea is apparently to have it "cold". Just take a water bottle with room temperature water and sprinkle some of the tea in. Wait 20 minutes to 2 hours (for best results) and you'll have tea in your bottle. This method preserves all the nice vitamins and healthy properties of tea. My dad tried putting ice cubes and said it tastes even better and enhances the refreshing taste of the tea.
If the tea leaves get in your mouth while drinking go ahead and eat them. They're nice and crunchy. By the local custom, it is impolite to spit out the tea leaves anyway, so if you get the leaves in your mouth the proper thing to do is to eat them. For this reason, the locals don't "drink" tea, they "eat" tea (this is in their own local lingo).
You can eat the tea leaves by their own with no water. My mom describes them as being like eating Prawn Crackers (like Keropok). Its still a healthy treat so no worries.
If you get grade AAA tea (there are several grades, far too numerous to name, they only showed us AAA, AA, A and B grades, AAA supposedly being the best grade) like my parents who bought quite a bit (its quite ex though but my parent love tea, and I don't mind tea either), you grab a bunch of tea leaves with 3 fingers (from the thumb to the middle finger) and thats enough to make your tea, the tea leaves are that potent. Lower grades might require more.
Tea leaves (since they're dried) can last as long as 4 years! 6 if refrigerated! That is...if I remember correctly...

Moving on from tea. Another thing you might want to look out for is the local candy. You can get them from the local candy shops, which are easy to identify cause they're usually quite crowded, though they can be easily mistaken for a TCM outlet (they look almost identical with the displays of various exotic spices and herbal ingredients). They sell the candies really cheap, by the plastic-bag-full! The candies resemble Australian Nougat, in that they mostly consist of nuts, but they taste very different. You also get those sour plum and other preserved fruit treats in salty/sweet/sour variations.

I you're adventurous, you might want to try the local street food. You need to be careful though, some of the street food vendors are unhygienic. They fry their food from morning to night without changing the oil at all (meaning the oil turns from clear to a nasty black). Apparently a good proportion of illnesses (both minor and serious) in China are the result of of unhygienic food preparation, at least, according to what the tour guide told us. However, if you find yourself in a more upmarket area then you should be alright. The stalls look very much like the ones you find in Singapore, although the foods that they offer are vastly different. My parents tried this little treat called Xiao Huang Yu (Little Yellow Fish), which is kind of like a deep fried fish fillet. The bones are still there but its all been fried tender. Its nice and juicy (abeit quite oily) and at least you can taste the flavour of the fish. We also tried Chou Tofu (Smelly Tofu) which of course, smells nasty. The one we ate had a somewhat sickly greenish colour to the tofu but actually tasted quite nice (accompanied with a local variation of sweet chilly sauce). Essentially its fermented tofu, kinda like Stinky or Blue cheese in France. They're all in the acquired taste category. In terms of preference, I still think the Chou Tofu in Taiwan is the best.

There are other street food thats a bit too outlandish to try. They actually sell small fried birds on a stick. Imagine a whole fried bird (possibly a baby bird) slightly larger than your 3G handphone. Now imagine 3 of them stuck on a stick BBQ style. Yup you got the picture, kinda like chicken wings in Singapore except this time you eat the whole bird.

Woah...another long post! Well, China wouldn't be China without such diverse cuisine. I'd have to write a book just to detail all the culinary delights (and eccentricities) of the Shanghai region. For now, let me rest me aching hands...and all this talk of food is making me hungry... :-P

Shanghaied!!! The People, Their Business and Their Shopping - Part 2

2007-06-19T22:40:00.000+08:00

The People:
Alright. Well the Chinese have never been known to be the friendliest of people on this good Earth, and I can pretty much attest to that. A few observations about manners in China:

Bumping or shoving past or into people is not considered rude.
Talking in a loud voice (and they talk really LOUD) is not considered rude.
Spitting in open view is not considered rude.
Arguing is encouraged.
Being a wisearse smart alec is encouraged.
Its nothing personal, its business!
While driving, sudden and rapid lane changes are encouraged (in fact, judging by the traffic, it is often a necessary maneuver).
Smiling is NOT encouraged (everybody looks kinda grouchy in China, even the pretty girl at the counter).
If thanked by customer, ignore. If argued at by customer, argue back (see 4).

So yeah...China has quite a way more to go in the manners and service sector. But before I start complaining about bad manners I should look at myself first. That goes for all Singaporeans (Chinese Singaporeans especially), cause we have the potential to be just as obnoxious as the mainland Chinese. In fact we are often quite obnoxious ourselves, we just don't know it.

The thing about China is that its so big that the mannerisms of the people are quite complex as well. Apparently the Suzhou women are known to be very soft spoken. By contrast, the Wuxi men are known to be soft spoken (and under the mercy of their women once married apparently). The Nanjing and Wuxi women are also known for their beauty, though the Nanjingers tend to be more aggressive personality wise.

According to our tour guide, the people in the cities in the thriving coastal regions of China tend to be more aggressive and are quick to anger. Its mostly stress. Whereas people in less congested cities or in small towns and villages tend to be a bit more laid back and easy going. Of note, the tour guide highlighted that Beijingers are especially fierce since Beijing is the Capital where all government and administrative functions are concentrated. The city has an abnormally high concentration of officials (including the big shots, and in China if you're up there, you're really UP THERE), and Chinese officials have been known to be fierce.

Well I can't say that the mainland Chinese are the friendliest lot, or the most polite, or the most civilised. Cause in a country as big as China, there's really no shortage of talent and manpower. So everybody's pretty much looking out for him or herself. Its hard to make a name for yourself in a place with so many people (Shanghai has about 60 million people I believe. Singapore has what? 4 million? Thats puny compared to any major Chinese city).

Business in China:
When Godfather Corleone says "Its nothing personal...its business", he means exactly just that. And the Chinese pretty much take that adage to heart. Whoever thinks China is still communist ought to be shot. From what I see on the ground, I get the feeling that China is a personification of capitalism. The Chinese people are the ULTIMATE capitalists, right down to the salesperson.

In most stores in Singapore or other countries, when you buy something the salesperson is quite happy and thanks you for the purchase. Not so in China. You buy something, the salesperson will try every sales pitch and tactic to make you buy more! And if you buy that, they'll try to get you to buy something else! Don't be surprised if the salesperson shows you over to a display where they exhibit their most expensive goods on the pretext of "just letting you take a look", they really want you to buy the thing. They'll use any trick in the book. Flattery, negotiating, bargaining, arguing, giving discounts, slashing prices and the like. What happens if you decide not to buy? Its really quite cute...and intimidating. They'll press you, make you feel bad, plead with you, extol the great benefits of their products. It takes a lot before they finally give up, and even then, they'll still be watching you out of the corner of their eye.

Let me tell you, those salespeople are real smooooooth operators. They make one helluva sales pitch. Their sales talks are smooth, well oiled affairs that have you hooked before you know it. My dear mummy almost got convinced into shelling out $800 Spore dollars (the original price was in RenMingBi of course) for a gold necklace with a singular, rare and hence very expensive yellow pearl, and thats after already buying quite a few necklaces. The sales pitch that nearly succeeded was simple...that such rare and expensive pearls necklaces were reserved only for the Chinese Empress. Smart...appealling to dear Mummy's vanity. Very smart. So why did the pitch fail? Cause daddy intervened and scolded her out of the room before she could make the purchase. Mummy would later say that she didn't like the $800 necklace anyway...figures...

I really have to hand it ot them though...those salespeople were really dedicated to their work. So dogged and insistent! Its hard not to admire their drive and dedication, that is if you don't get intimidated first by their aggressive sales tactics.

The flip side to the smooth and professional Chinese salespeople are the Chinese street vendors. This guys go incognito, looking like any ordinary person. They see that you're a tourist and they approach you to see if your intersted in buying bags or watches and other stuff (all imitations and fakes going for cheap prices). They wip out a card and follow you trying to convince you to come over to their store. Word of advice: If they ask you to come to their home or to some isolated backroom in their store, say no immediately and walk away. Avoid eye contact and walk away calmy. They usually give up after awhile.

Its quite harrowing to walk around and have these guys ambush you. Its frustrating and irritating cause these guys are EVERYWHERE and you don't get a moments peace. I notice they don't usually target the locals as much though, they're probably used to them. China has a big piracy problem, they have entire shopping malls that sell nothing but imitation and fake goods. I visited one and the interior kinda looks like Beauty World in Singapore, old and cramped with this very dodgy atmosphere (if you get my meaning). I have to admit though...its hard to pass the chance to buy Hugo Boss and Armani lookalikes at such a cheap price. After all I will be needing some nice long sleeve office attire once I get a job...*ahem**cough, cough**throat clearing*...

Shopping:
One other thing...I went to Shanghai expecting to see lots of Western labels and brands but was surprised to see very few. They have their own local brands that I have never seen before, so I guess they're pretty self-sufficient where fashion is concerned (though admittedly their fashion sense is lagging by just a tiny bit...as if I have fashion sense...haha). I saw Esprit, Baleno, Giordano...what else? Thats pretty much it. I was expecting to see Armani, Polo Ralph Lauren, Prada and maybe even a bit of Ermenegildo (is that how its spelled?) Zegna. Nope, none, zilch, ditto. What I saw were local brands, which looked quite decent actually.

I suppose since China is so darn big and has the resources, why depend on expensive foreign imports when you can make your own? I doubt the regular Chinese can afford such Western brands. The tour guide made it clear that buying such brands is not worth your time even with the exchange rate in Singapore's favour. Because they're imported, the prices are exorbitant, higher than Orchard Road supposedly. So why buy Western brands when you can settle for...*ahem*...their alternatives?

A small piece of advice, when in China, shop like the Chinese. You see a store which is crowded, it might be worth your time to have a looksy...you just have to survive the crowd. My mum got lots of local Chinese sweets (which bear more resemblance to Australian nougat, lots of nuts...and yes they're quite yummy) this way, sweets I doubt you'll find in Singapore.

Phew...this is quite a long post...I'll continue another day. Still haven't talked about another VERY important aspect of China...FOOD!!!

Shanghaied!!! The City(s) - Part 1

2007-06-18T20:16:00.000+08:00

Got back from my family's 7 day vacation to Shanghai China on Saturday night. Twas a pretty good holiday experience. Well technically the holiday wasn't in Shanghai cause we were travelling all over the place.

We started in Shanghai, went to Suzhou, Wuzheng, Hangzhou, Nanjing, Wuxi and back to Shanghai in that order. That's a lot of travelling, we spent about a day in one place and then moved on to the next. The only hotel that we stayed for more than one night was when we got back to Shanghai and had about one day of sightseeing followed by one day free-and-easy. Surprisingly this holiday was a very leisurely one despite the travelling. It was well planned and not rushed at all, so far there were not significant hitches or setbacks. We didn't spend that much time on the road as well...with bus rides averaging around 2 hours (except the bus trip from Nanjing to Wuxi which took 4 hours).

Here's what I observed or have to say about the trip:

The Country:
Well, China has grown A LOT the last time I've been there. That was about 10 years ago when I went to Beijing with Mum and Grandma. Back then Beijing was crummy and dusty and pretty much backward, pretty much what you expect of a third world country. Shanghai is VERY developed, and several times the size of Singapore. And I'm pretty sure that the development that has occurred in Shanghai has been translated to Beijing as well.

Shanghai is one thriving, bustling megalopolis. Expressways and flyovers this way and that. They have flyovers that I estimate are 10 or more stories high and they crisscross in a complex network. Our dear Benjamin Sheares bridge is puny compared to whats over in China. They have expressways with 4 lanes going in one direction. We only have about 3 at most. In fact most of the time my tour spent driving around China was on expressways and its partly due to the highly developed road and expressway network that we could get from one place to another quickly. We also took a ride on the Maglev (Magnetic Levitation) train in Shanghai. This train did 370km/h when we were riding it, and that's not the top speed. It wasn't rush hour so they were conserving the electricity needed to power the thing for later, when a faster speed is needed to accommodate rush hour. This train is even faster than the Bullet Trains of Japan. The ride was slightly jerky (side to side), but smooth and quiet (any noise was due to wind noise).

The cities themselves have come far. High rise skyscrapers, bustling business centers, neon lights (the Shanghai skyline is especially brilliant at night). They were also surprisingly clean and quite green. Gone is the dust and grime of old. Shanghai practically looked like a massive version of Singapore! You walk down Nanjing road (Shanghai's equivalent to our Orchard Road) and you'd think you were still in Singapore...except every thing is in Chinese and they have neon lights...and the cars look older and somewhat more dustier.

Some of the older cities were a bit more rundown. Nanjing for example. Do note though that Nanjing used to be the capital of previous Chinese dynasties so the city is really OLD. Old Nanjing (historically within the city walls of the previous Chinese dynasties, these ancient walls still exist) is kinda shabby and rundown, has a very aged and grimy look to it. Of course modern Nanjing looks like Shanghai with lesser skyscrapers and high rises.

However, my favourite part of the trip was when we get to spend one night in a Chinese water town in Wuzhen. Imagine Venice...but with a Chinese flavour and you get a rough idea of what its like. The town is under conservation, so there are no residents. For the most part its a tourist and historical attraction which the Chinese authorities and conserving and rebuilding. Its mostly still unfinished which was whats so good about the place...its quite and peaceful. Narrow stone alleys, bridges spanning the water, and quaint old wooden houses clustered together and next to each other. All quite idyllic. To get to the town you have to take a short boat ride. And all the boats have no motors! One guy steers the rudder at the rear in a motion like a fish tail, and two guys in front use really long bamboo poles to push (against the riverbed) the boat along and maneuver. The Water town is mostly a facade though, beneath the wooden, quaint, old buildings lie posh and comfortable modern hotels, stores and restaurants. Most are still being built though. But the place doesn't lose its charm.

The thing about the itinery is that we got to see both the new and old face of China. You compare and contrast the modernity of Shanghai with the old world charm (Chinese style of course) of a Wuzhen water town and the natural beauty of the immense Xihu (West lake) in Hangzhou. Its quite surreal and strange, but the Chinese seem to pull it off quite nicely. I also ought to mention that the Chinese authorities had a hand in the conservation efforts of such heritage sites as well.

I stated in my previous blog that I went to Shanghai to see how much China has developed. Suffice to say I was not dissappointed. I am more impressed that the Chinese have taken painstaking efforts to conserve their history and heritage. To juggle the drive to modernity with historical conservation is a difficult act, one which, some argue, Singapore is having trouble doing? Doubtless, the Chinese seem to be managing it all quite well.

They really ought to do something about all that pollution though...

Bon Voyage!

2007-06-07T00:12:00.000+08:00

I'll off for a holiday! Flying of this Friday to Shanghai, Nanjing. 7 Days trip with me parents. I relish the chance to visit China and see for myself just how much the country has developed. After all it is the fastest growing economy in the world today. I guess now's my chance.

I go with some misgivings though. Firstly, because I'm still looking for a job (actively looking now), and the holiday might be an interruption. I can only blame myself, after all I should have started searching earlier rather than procrastinating.

Still, in a way, procrastinating is nice...done once in a while its nice...for a change you know? Especially after mugging like crazy for uni exams...its nice to procrastinate for a change. Procrastinating doesn't sit well with me in the long term though...I need a sense of purpose in order to exist properly. By properly I mean as in be able to live with myself and not feel down and depressed all the time. Somehow slacking at home seems harder than I thought, who would have thought that huh?

I guess slacking and procrastinating is easier for some people. I have a mind which has a bad habit of playing mind games, double crossing and second guessing me. So I need something constructive to do to keep me sane and my mind in line.

The job search is hard though. I guess its because I'm looking for a part-time job in the Civil Service, that and I'm only able to work for a short time, before the next semester starts.

I was speaking with my cousin on MSN. She advises me to be more open, take up jobs other than in the Civil Service. She suggested maybe working for a magazine or something of the sort which can practice my writing skills. Now why didn't I think of that?

For now I guess I should just chill out and enjoy my vacation. I can only hope the recruitment agency doesn't call me while I'm away. Somehow I doubt anybody will call me, not much use for an undergrad who can only work a few months.

I guess I'll just relax and enjoy myself over in Shanghai. If I can't get a job I guess I could always help out my OG (Orientation Group) people do the Arts Camp or Orientation Camp for the new university year. That ought to be fun.

Rat Race Concluded...For Now...

2007-05-26T19:15:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile since my previous entry. Its with much a sigh of relief that I write this entry.

I did not have the time and willpower to write more entries as I was studying for my exams, which were concluded a few weeks back. From then till now I had refrained from writing more entries partly because I did not want my friends who were still having exams to read it and feel envious, to a large extent I was lazy and wanted to enjoy myself after the exams.

I feel that I can now comfortable write this as my results for the semester were released earlier today. Suffice to say I can heave a sigh of relief as my grades were good. Though of course, they can always be better! ;-)

So what was I doing between the end of the exams and now? Nothing much really, bought Command and Conquer 3. Was a good game, very fun. I also took the time to TRY and exercise more to lose some of my excess baggage (which I am beginning to feel lately). So far I have been exercising almost everyday, alternating between going for runs/jogs outside and going to the gym and pumping iron.

I feel better, a bit fitter, and less lethargic. To be honest I kind of look forward to exercising daily, especially when you have nothing much to do at home except play games on m PC. It gives me a sense of purpose in a way.

That's the strange thing, now that the exams are over, you'd think you would be happy and feel liberated. Now I find myself having to cope with my being listless, lethargic and purposeless. In a twisted sense, you almost wish the semester was still ongoing. At least you have a sense of purpose when you're studying.

Whats that? Find a job? Yeah good idea. I've been thinking about that...though I'm not sure where to look and what I want to do. I sure as hell don't want to work at McDonald's! Truth is, I haven't really been looking for any job...just slacking around I guess. My lack of exposure to the job market is worrying...to myself. But its one of those things that you are worried about but don't have quite enough willpower or daring to address the problem. I mean let's face it...I might feel that I lack purpose, but the truth is I kinda like being lazy. After all, I doubt we'll ever get the chance to be this lazy every again after graduation and upon entry into the bigger, more frantic rat race that is society.

So at this point of time, a small leg of my rat race is concluded. But its only my first year in university. Even after I finish the university rat race, there is a much longer and harder race to run. Ah well...this little rat might as well rest up and get ready for the next leg of the rat race.

A parting note. We're running a rat race I know. I've mentioned that before. Something sort of hit me as I was typing this...the problem is that most of us keep looking for finish line in this race. The problem is...THERE IS NO FINISH LINE. Maybe there is...when we all get buried six feet under. But as far as we're living I doubt there is a finish line. So rather than look for a finish line, instead look to the race. Its not so much how you finish the race, its how you run during the race.

Note to self: Remember this line of reasoning. I'm sure several situations will be presented during the course of this rat race, where one has to choose between how one finishes the race, and how one runs the race. It might seem like the same, but I believe theres a subtle difference. In my opinion I believe the latter to be a more moral way of running the race.

We're all rats here, but even rats must retain their integrity and dignity. Especially since at the end of the race, you will be judged and held accountable for the way you ran it...or so they say.

A Sight for Sore Eyes - NOT! A Random Rant of Various Things

2007-04-14T00:41:00.000+08:00

I just realised not too long ago that today is Friday the 13th. And to commemorate this most unluckiest of days, I got myself a sore eye.

I don't know how I got it. I just woke up this morning and looked into the bathroom mirror and behold! Was greeted by a red right eyeball. I must have rubbed it while I was sleeping yesterday. Wait a minute...its almost 1am now, so that means that I got me sore eyes yesterday!

Well never mind, the sore eyes are the least of my worries. My first exam is next week saturday. Exams on a saturday...what fun...

My last sore eye incident was when I was in the Army. I woke up from me bunk, walked to the toilet and looked in the mirror and behold! Was greeted by red right eyeball! To be honest, I was bloody happy I got that sore eye, cause it meant I could get an MC and go home! Now is a bit inconvenient though, cause exams are really round the corner. Should be cured by then though, saw the doctor in Campus, got an eyedrop and some other meds, should be fine.

Today as I was riding the MRT home, I overheard a couple of kids comparing their school results. From the looks of them they were secondary school kids, and by the look of the uniform (and what I gleaned from their conversation) they were probably from River Valley High.

They were comparing how many As and A*s they got. As and A*s!!! They were talking about it like it was nothing! They weren't talking about how many Bs or Cs they had, they were talking about how many As they had! Seriously is this normal? Whats happening to our kids nowadays? Have we breed a race of super over achievers? Or are they just super smart whiz kids, which is probably why they are in RV in the first place? Well...they looked appropriately geeky enough (woah look who's calling who a geek...).

If its one thing I know, especially after my stint in the army, its that academic qualifications don't really amount to much. Sure you get the job because of your qualifications, but those As are not going to assure you of that promotion, not going to ensure that people respect you, not going to assure you that your career will be a success, not going to assure you that you'll live a good life, and it most definately is not going to assure you that you become a better person.

Amongst my mates in the bunk, I may have been one of the more academically qualified, but it didn't make me any more efficient or capable in my work and it certainly didn't win me any respect. You want respect you earn it the hard way and you learn from your mistakes, School of Hard Knocks style. You'll be surprise how smart ITE and Poly guys can be when it comes to street smarts and dodging arrows. You gotta respect them for that.

I was one of the better scorers back in my secondary school class, the downside was that I was an absolute f**king bastard. Truth was that I was arrogant and proud and put myself on a pedestal, thinking my mental faculties superior to my peers. I even deceived myself to the degree that I thought I was actually quite humble! All because you don't brag about your results doesn't make you any less arrogant or more humble. It was only in JC that I was able to look back and discover, to my absolute horror, what a f**king asshole I was.

And now we have our kids talking about As and A*s, like its nothing...yet as though it were everything. We should teach our kids in school that grades really aren't everything in life. Instead of obsessing over grades, perhaps they should obsess over their civic mindedness (like not blasting music out of your handphone in the MRT when people are trying to study or sleep), and becoming caring and respectable individuals.

Haha...look at me go, ranting like that. Fact is, I'm a hypocrite. Cause while I criticise kids for obsessing over their results, I too am obsessing over my own grades. Worrying about how my essay went, worrying about getting that A for that module, worrying about raising my CAP score above 4, and dreaming of making it into the Dean's list. So much for being less concerned about grades eh?

So why am I worrying my head over grades? Why are our kids worrying their heads over their grades? Why is mummy and daddy worrying about whether they will get that next promotion? Its the Rat Race I tell you...its all one big giant Rat Race. And in this rat race you KNOW that if you don't get that pretty piece of paper with the official looking signature you;re pretty much screwed. Screwed in the eyes of your fellow man and family, and worse, screwed in you own eyes.

That's why we study, work, plot, scheme, scavenge and compete. Cause the truth is, everybody wants to compete, wants to get ahead, wants to get those 5 Cs. Myself included (though I can do without the 5 Cs no problem). Brian I'm sure you'll agree after all those stories you told me. We're all eyeing that big FAT paycheck, that BIG FAT floating island in the sky.

I guess that's a fact of life in our fair red island. We compete, we strive, we push the limits. Always on our toes, always busy, always eyeing that no. 1 spot. Until effectively lose any sense of identity. We exist for the competition. Our identity is competition. I hate crowds, you know why? Cause whenever I'm in a crowd, I not only feel enclosed and besieged, I feel like just another insignificant digit. In a crowd I lose sense of identity.

But you know something...there is a certain grace, a certain something that we glean from the Rat Race. The thrill of the race, the adrenaline and the knowledge that with competition we strive to become better and better. And in that sense we should keep going...keep going forward, keep flying upwards, keep striving to be the best. Above all, we strive to be recognised, strive to be significant in this bloody big world that we live in.

But still, even if we attain that recognition, even if we become significant (or already are), we pay a price. We sacrifice our identity, and sometimes perhaps our humanity towards our fellow man in favour of such superficialities as that condo or BM...or good grades...like I once did in secondary school.

But still we go on, still we forge ahead...because given the world we live in, I really don't think we have much of a choice. So students continue to worry about getting As. Mummy and Daddy continue to worry about getting their promotion. And the big movers and shakers in parliament continue to worry about the economy, making Singapore the best there is...and a question of how much pay they and the civil service should be getting.

As for me...I shall continue to worry about my exams and my irritating sore eye. Speaking of sore eyes...this rant has gone on long enough...time for me to apply my eye cream and go to bed. For the hour is late.

If there are any government agencies out there reading this blog, I'd just like to state that though this blog entry has somewhat political overtones, this entry is not meant as an attack to our country and our institutions and the leaders who lead them. This is just a random rant of various unconnected things that I have decided to write on a spur of inspiration. If anything I think you chaps are doing a mighty fine job! And I really do mean it most sincerely. Oh yeah...I'm not criticizing the civil service pay raise issue either. I myself hope to join the civil service, so in all respects, I view this as a good thing! ;-)

Good Night! My bed calls to me.

Down with the Flu Blues

2007-03-25T13:49:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile since my last post. I've been down with sinusitis, which is something like a cold or flu. I guess its an illness that belongs in that category anyway.

I've had this cold for a few weeks now, a couple of weeks ago I went to the NUS clinic to see the doctor and he gave me some medicine to tide me over. After finishing the course I got better for like two days and had a relapse, this time worse than before. I went back to see him again and he told me that I was down with sinusitis. He prescribed me a course of antibiotics and other medicines amounting to $42+, my previous visit had only cost $2 (subsidized by the uni or government I guess).

Anyway, got a boatload of assignments and essays due next week so the stress is building up, coupled with the fact that exams are not really far away. At least I'm beginning to feel better somewhat.

I don't like antibiotics, they leave a funny aftertaste in the mouth and a funny "smell" in the nose. As if the "flavour" of green phlegm wasn't bad enough. They make your stomach feel funny too, queasy...

Becaused of this illness I missed Calvin's birthday, they were having steamboat. It felt bad not being able to attend someone's birthday when initially you agreed to go. But it would be very irresponsible of me to go there and spread my germ all over the place. Well, I gave Calvin a call to wish him well, it was the least I could do. A very belated happy birthday to Calvin! Hope you guys had fun eating steamboat. Thinking of it makes me hungry...:-P

Bear with me ok? I don't have much time these days to do blog writing. Been thinking up a poem to go along also, maybe I'll post it when I complete it, or when I get the time...;-)

The School of Hard Knocks - Year 1, Dusty Stores and Unsavoury Characters

2007-03-13T16:21:00.000+08:00

Ok...so here I am in ATC (Armour Training Centre). Didn't look to bad, the building looked nice and colourful. So maybe things won't be too bad eh?

Initially I was quite upset that I was going to become a "Supply Assistant." My dad said to just give it a go and see how I hold up with the vocation. I was upset mostly because I had heard some bad press from the rest of my BMT mates that the life of a storeman is really quite tedious and monotonous. I managed to psyche myself up to feel better, I mean hey? Going around counting stores isn't so bad right? Think of it as a kind of working holiday?

It was ok for the first month or so before I went for my storeman training course. Technically I was supposed to be a storeman trained to manage and look after radio sets, communications equipment and the like. As it turns out my training had little real relevance as my office was looking after some really old and antiquated looking radio sets (Vietnam War era from the looks of it).

The work of course, was boring, dusty, musty and occasionally back breaking (those radio sets are HEAVY). My main gripe was that I felt I wasn't really contributing. I was hoping for something a bit more cerebral in nature, and counting stores and doing store work (when there was any store work) isn't exactly intellectually stimulating. Ok I confess, I was in fact hoping more for a cosy desk job shuffling paper, a wish later over fulfilled to my chagrin a year later.

There wasn't anything interesting really. What was interesting were the characters that I met and had to deal with on a daily basis. Most of them were ok people and talking and hanging out with them was real fun. There was a small category of people however, that you wish you could put a bullet through.

This chap for example. Now this dude is deceptive, he'll befriend you and tell you that as friends we'll go out and have fun, except you wind up paying for everything. Everything including taxi fare, his food, and food for his girlfriend which he conveniently didn't tell you was tagging along. He loves to borrow money from you, citing that he has financial and family problems. In the end the only way I got my money back was when I got sick and tired of him delaying and complained to my boss (who was also a young NS guy except he managed to become an officer).

He's the kind of guy you love to hate. He loves it when he has "power" and "authority". Put him in a leadership position and he'll delegate ALL the work to the people under him while he chats on the hand phone and talks dirty with his girlfriend. If he's in a subordinate position he'll question every decision you make and generally make life miserable for you through his insubordination.

He also has a reputation for being a sex maniac. In a rather humorous conversation, he related to me how during the course of a years he had approximately ten girlfriends, the most recent one being the only girlfriend that he has not had unprotected sex with. The ironic thing was that he was not combat fit because he had some problems with his genitals. Figures...

A guy like that becomes quite infamous around the unit, and all the other guys pretty much hate his guts. Let's just call this guy "A hole" for now.

This next fella is actually quite nice, except that he has a penchant for slipping off work and disappearing to some dark corner where he'll probably be sleeping (his favourite activity). He's notorious for being hard to find. Aside from that, he also has a really fast and big mouth. When he starts talking he probably won't stop, and sometimes the things he says things that offends people and get him into trouble. Often though, he's just one hell of a joker with a big mouth. He can be quite hardworking, under strict supervision and when someone is breathing down his neck. But overall a nice chap.

He's quite pitiful actually because for some reason or another, my boss has an axe to grind with him. Anything that goes wrong somehow becomes his fault one way or another even though sometimes he's got nothing to do with it. I often wonder how he is able to swallow the indignity of being a punching bag for the boss, he tells me that he just gets used to it. Let's say this guy's name is "Joker."

One more other guy. This guy was a bit of a newbie and came in much later than me and I was assigned to show him the ropes. He's a nice chap with a funny sense of humour combined with a sometimes overactive imagination. He once related to me a story of how he got put in the clink by a Sheriff for getting involved in a bar fight in Texas. The minute details of his little tale are of course, kind of hard to believe but I will not relate them here.

He's a bit of a slow learner and quite naive also. He also has/had a steady relationship with a girlfriend (which involved sex as well) which would later cause trouble between him and A-Hole. Lets just call this guy "Tex".

One of the more happening moments was when Joker and A-Hole got involved in a fight which I happened to witness. It happened in the store that I was managing. The two are sworn enemies (pretty much everybody considers A-Hole a sworn enemy). It was morning, lack of sleep combined with bad mood combined with mutual hate combined with Joker blocking A-Hole's way in cramped store resulted in an exchange of nasty Hokkien insults to their respective mothers which soon culminated in flying fists, pushing and shoving. Luckily no real damage was done to human and equipment. Another guy (I think it was Tex) and I tried to break up the fight but they kinda quit fighting by themselves. I called the sergeant, he asked, "who won?" I said, "It was a draw." His reply, "sad, I was gonna bring the popcorn."

I'm not sure what happened to them later but I remember they both had some form of informal punishment involving them staying back during weekends and sweeping roads. They were lucky, considering that fighting in the SAF is punishable by being charged and sent to the Detention Barracks (military equivalent of jail).

Another dispute involved A-Hole and Tex. Apparently A-Hole had somehow gotten hold of Tex's girlfriend's number and was calling her at obscene hours of the night and harassing her. Tex, seeking to defend what was rightfully his and his alone, confronted A-Hole, ensuing in one hell of an argument, verging on flying fists. But of all things they had their argument in the Duty Sergeant's room. So the sergeant managed to out-shout them into submission. Previously Tex had an ok relationship with A-Hole, but after that he became his sworn enemy. I mean the dude REALLY hated the guy.

One day, A-Hole carelessly lost his 11B (Military IC), Tex found it. But instead of returning it to A-Hole or to the relevant authority, he destroyed it and threw it away, an act that if discovered might see him wind up in a lot of trouble, not just with A-Hole but with the organization as well. The other guys knew what Tex did, Tex was practically boasting to them that he did it, but nobody told. Not to A-Hole or to the bosses. Regardless, Tex's standing among the other guys fell. Everybody hated A-Hole but doing something like that was no better.

It was an interesting year I spent as a storeman. Mostly it was boring except for the people that I was with. Most of them were really ok guys. It was fun hanging out with people from all walks of life, across the spectrum of Singaporean society. A-level, Poly, ITE, it didn't really matter, we were all pressed into service, most of the time reluctantly. But it was fun hanging out with the guys, they don't have the same interests with me (soccer always made good talking, though I had little interest) but still, it was nice sitting together bitchin about the boss, life in the army and A-Hole (everybody's common enemy) and telling dirty jokes.

Unfortunately, storework didn't quite agree with me and my sensitive skin condition. It was the dust you see, and the camp I was in had dust in abundance. My skin got bad enough for the camp Medical Officer to send me to National Skin Centre (I still go there for check ups still), where they downgraded my vocation to a clerk (admin assistant). I was happy at first, thinking that I get to work in the Manpower Branch and sit in a comfy air-conditioned dust-free office (my store was air-conditioned but extremely dusty), with the added perks of the branch having the only female (that was marginally attractive) in the unit. I thought that perhaps it would be better for me also as I get to put my writing skills to better use in a (somewhat) more intellectually stimulating job. That was until I heard I was to be posted to Logistics as a Finance Clerk. Among the clerks, being a finance or logistics clerk in the Logistics Branch of my unit was the most dreaded job for all the clerks (you will find out why soon).

I was very intimidated, but also cocky. I thought, "how bad could it be?" So I decided to give it a shot. So I was to undergo the most traumatizing and strenuous (however strenuous a clerk's life can get) period of service in the SAF, shuffling paper and being Johnny-on-the-spot.

Pressure Cooked

2007-03-13T16:11:00.000+08:00

Beginning to feel the pressure somewhat. Two essays, one project and one book review due around the end of the month. Only a few weeks left.

Time to pick up the pace and up the tempo.

I've become a bit complacent lately. I was an hour late for my last SE1101E tutorial because I thought it was at 10am when it was at 9am. And I also completely missed my PS2248 tutorial last Friday. Supposedly my second tutorial for PS2248 as my tutorial leader was away on conference leave the previous tutorial. Combined with it being an odd/even week tutorial (every 2 weeks one tutorial), resulted in faulty programming in my head that I had no tutorials on Friday. I guess we're all creatures of habit. But still, theres no excuses for my own lack of vigilance.

Lesson learnt, time to move on.

Gotta work for that A.

Filling in the Gap: The School of Hard Knocks - Year 1, BMT

2007-02-25T23:59:00.000+08:00

So comes my turn to serve National Service. So on 26th December, one day after Christmas, I got a really neat Christmas present. A two year expenses paid working holiday in the Singapore Armed Forces.

First up on the itinerary was an approximately 2 to 3 months stay at Tekong Camp Chalet for Basic Military Training (BMT). On the ferry boat ride to Tekong it really does look like a sort of adventure camp chalet from far...that is...until you see all the uniforms. I still remember that day very vividly.

We were separated from our parents and were assembled in this big auditorium. Everyone was nervous, excited and chattering. In seems all of us were destined to be in Ulysses Company of School 2. We were very suddenly interrupted by a very loud shout by a staff sergeant (who turned out to be our company sergeant major [CSM]...for one day only, the next day he went on course and we never ever saw him after that), ordered to sit up straight with hands clenched in fists over our knees. He started spewing yelling and spewing vulgarities (typical of army types as we later find out and become accustomed to). Apparently the guy sitting next to me was still giggling, the CSM saw him and unleashed one hell of a verbal barrage on the poor chap. You can imagine how uncomfortable it was sitting next to a guy being shouted at, only moments before we were introducing ourselves and talking.

They made us recite the SAF pledge and sing the national anthem over an over again until we attained the desired level of patriotic fervour (after much yelling and condemnation on grounds that we were sissies and our grandmothers or some female relation could sing louder than us). Than our parents came in and we did what we rehearsed, ending with a particularly loud ( shouted) "WITH OUR LIVES!!!" at the end of the SAF pledge. I was later to learn that our parents were being given a tour of inspection of our bunks and facilities while we were clamped into that auditorium being shouted at and rehearsed.

We met up with our parents for lunch (provided generously by Singapore Food Industries [SFI], they provide all the meals for NS men when in-camp). Then we got sent off to the company line where we were issued all our duffel bags. These were the old duffel bags without the wheels, which you had to carry on your shoulder. Not the new ones that you see most NS men carrying around today. Although my bunk was on the second floor, I almost got squashed by the extremely heavy duffel bag while climbing up (there was an elevator...which we were not allowed to use unless under special circumstance) , I was particularly unfit at the time you see. I was later to find out that I was assigned to Platoon 2, Section 1, Bed 6.

Then of course, we had all our heads shaved of hair. I never was one to pay too much attention to my hair, so it was no great sacrifice to me, in fact I rather liked it because it was very cooling! I remember seeing one chap (can't remember his name now) who came in with his hair dyed blonde, in the end we all looked the same...like clones...individuality went out the window and committed suicide. Despite all the hair shaving, I never did see anyone cry (like what they usually say) or at least I didn't see anyone cry.

The first two weeks where we were confined in Tekong was hectic and crazy. We had lots to learn, how to march, what commands meant what, how to pay compliment to higher ranks and the lot. We also had to get our kit in order, they didn't come all together ready for us to use, they were often in pieces and we had to assemble them together and tape up the lose ends and make sure that they were comfortable (to the guys that know, that's the painstaking process of assembling the SBO [Skeletal Battle Order]. The pace was always fast and we were always kept on our toes, it became normal for me to get headaches during the first week due to the speed of things and the constant need to keep up (or risk being shouted at and forced to do 20 or more push ups).

After the first two weeks we were let out for the weekend. You begin to understand what you took for granted when civilian. For starters...GIRLS. Yes, GIRLS!!! Tekong is like some nightmare on earth which is only populated by men. When you get a group of men stuck together they tend to get all horny and dirty minded (let fly the horny dirty jokes and stories). Females are a RARE and precious sight! When we were let out we were so happy just to be able to see girls!

Second, FOOD! Its not that the camp food by SFI is bad or inedible. It was actually kinda nice sometimes, its just that it was repetitive and it got really dull and bland and the flavour alternated between ok and so-so to blandness. Combined with the fact that we were often hard pressed for time and had to wolf down our food. The first thing we did when we got out was to get a can of Coke and appreciate its heavenly synthetic flavour and fuzziness.

Third, PRIVACY! You get none when you sleep in a bunk with close to twenty others.

Fourth, TIME! Time stands still in Tekong Island, you completely forget what date or day it is, in fact, you are effectively cut off from the outside world!

From then on, thjings became sort of routine. Alternating between periods of low activity and periods of high activity and frantic tension and pace. Sudden bunk inspections, sudden annoucements, sudden calls to fall in. You get used to it after awhile but if you don't keep your head you could go nuts (some people actually do though there were very few in our Company). We learnt to shoot (which was fun but tiring), learnt to throw grenades (which was fun and nerve wracking but over all too soon, we only ever threw one live grenade you see), did route marches (starting from 2km and slowly building up to 10km).

One thing I ought to mention before, my Company (at that point of time) was sort of special in that all our Company members had medical problems of one sort or another. These are REAL medical problems, not the fake ones that people like to make up (though most people still did that). For me I got eczema and asthma. There were some with minor spine problems, blood deficiencies, bad eyesight and others. We were all PES C status (the healthy ones were PES A or B, though note the PES status had nothing to do with indicating your level of physical fitness) , so we didn't go through all the stuff that the healthier PES A or B people had to go through. For example, we didn't have to go for Standard Obstacle Course (SOC), our field camp was only 3 days (the normal was a week) and the critierion for passing BMT was much lower (the normal was that you needed to pass your physical fitness test, your shooting and your field camp, for us we only had to pass one of the three).

It wasn't long until we passed out (or "graduated") of BMT and received our postings to our new units. I was to become a "Supply Assistant" (a nice sounding monicker for being a storeman) in Armour Training Centre (ATC) in Sungei Gedong Camp. To be frank, I was unhappy about my vocation, due to rumours that the vocation was not particularly pleasant. Whether that is true is another story for another blog posting.

To be honest, BMT was perhaps THE most exciting and exhilarating part of my whole 2 years and 4 months stint in the Army. After I got past the initial "culture shock" and adapted, it was actually quite fun and amusing. Truth be told, I had never felt quite so alive than during those few months in BMT. I was almost sad to leave Tekong Island (as crazy as this might sound).

So I leave BMTC School 2 for ATC in Sungei Gedong Camp, to begin a much less exciting and, as I am about to find out, sometimes thoroughly frustrating life of dusty stores and unsavoury characters.

Filling in the Gap: A Levels and the Post-JC period.

2007-02-24T23:15:00.000+08:00

So what exactly happened after my last post which was like eons ago? Oh well, there was the A levels, what I referred to as "Judgement Day".

Its a bit hard for me to recall now how it was, I remember fearing for my Economics exam for I never liked the subject. GP (General Paper) was good, Literature was alright with a degree of uncertainty, Geography was ok (at least that's what I thought at the time).

Anyway, my A Levels didn't do to bad (that's fast forwarding a lot, but since I'm talking about A's I might as well not build up the tension). Got an A2 for GP, A for Literature (which was pleasant :-] ), C for Econs (Which was expected), and (to my absolute chagrin :-[ ) an unexpected C for my geography.

I had initially expected an A or B for my geog, but a C!!!??? To be truthful, I'm not quite sure I've quite gotten over that C. I went over to my physical geography teacher, Ms Mandy, and apologized. She said I shouldn't worry for with those results I could easily get to NUS Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (which is where I am now).

Here's the thing, I remember having a most horrid dream weeks before the date the results were released, only to wake in cold sweat in my 20 man bunk in my barracks. What I dreamt was that I had attained horrible grades, I vaguely remember F's and D's. However the clearest detail I remember was that I got a C for geog. Creepy huh? But I guess the dream was 70% wrong cause I didn't perform too badly after all.

So what happened after the A's? I had always imagined this intense feeling of exuberance and joy upon completion of the A's. Upon completion of our last paper, what I remembered feeling was not bursting exuberance and freedom, but a sort of calm, contented but relieved fatigue. What I remember was going to Jurong Point (JP) with my friend Brian and having a coffee and talking about the exams.

Aside from that I don't really remember much of the period between my completion of the examinations till my enlistment in NS. I remember generally bumming around, going out with Brian and chillin out and watching movies at Cineleisure (we still do that though our commitments to our studies make it less often now).

Than of course came the dreadful, anxious and somewhat exciting day (much faster than anticipated of course). I still remember it crystal clear. 26th December 2004, I enlisted into the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF), BMTC (Basic Military Training Centre) School 2, Ulysses Company, Platoon 2.

Thus I began a totally new form of education in what I have affectionately (and somewhat bitterly) come to call the "School of hard Knocks".

Fast Forward to the Present

2007-02-23T12:53:00.000+08:00

Wow...its been what? 2 - 3years since I last posted here? I guess I have a lot of catching up to do eh? Well...3 years can be a long time especially when you're caught in the Army doing National Service.

For those of you who don't know or are not familiar with Singapore. Its a law that all males of 18 years and above have to do National Service. You either go to the Armed Forces, Police or the Civil Defence. You usually have to serve 2 years (used to be 2.5 years but thats changed now).

You don't get alot of time to write blogs when you're in the Army. Hence the BIG gap between postings. I'll probably post more about me Army life later. Partly, the reason I haven't been blogging (as though I'm a serious blogger anyway) is also due in part to my being to lazy to write anything.

Ok fast forward to the now and here. I'm now in the National University of Singapore (NUS) as an undergraduate student, studying a major in Political Science. My mid-terms are only a week away! Its going to be a bit of a rush but its not too bad given that I've been studying a bit during the course of the semester.

So yeah...thats pretty much it for this post. I'll post more on what happened to me during the past 3 years or so...like I said, its a BIG gap to fill.

2003-10-20T01:06:00.000+08:00

Geez...when was the last time I posted here? Long time ago eh? Been studying...or trying to study as hard as I can...I only have say...2, 3 or so weeks left?

Judgement day coming...and I still don't feel up to it...my econs is still damn weak in my opinion...then theres my geog and all that too...

God give me strengh! God give me hope and God give me the will to excel! Ultimately...God give me good results!!!

Its late today so i'll keep this one real short. So its bye bye for now...

2003-10-03T06:30:00.000+08:00

Depressed? Thats what I am now. Just got back some of my results...

GP (General Paper) wasn't too bad...65 overall score...that makes it a B3, have to try to make it an A1!!!

Economics? Thats the sucky part...overall...43% over 100%. Sucks eh??? I really thought one of my essays was good enough to pass...but it turns out it was totally irrelevant...so I failed the fucking thing. Once you fail your essay you might as well fail the whole fucking paper...

Brian said that the subjects that he thought would score well ended up worse than he thought while the subjects that he thought he would fail ended up better. I can't help feeling this applies to my case. Just refer to the paragraph above and you get what I mean...

I can't help but feel very anxious about my other papers. I was quiet confident about my physical and human geography papers...does that mean that they would perform below expectation? When I was taking my Chinese B prelim paper I met Mrs Tricia Seow and I asked her how my Human geog fared. She said I was "passing". I asked by how much...she said she had to rush and that she couldn't reveal anymore info...something about her look when she said that made me uneasy...

I have every reason to feel displeased with myself...I personally feel i have not tried my best and not studied to the max..."I hath NOT lived"...but I couldn't possibly have studied much within a few short weeks...stil its not a good excuse for my sucky performance.

I'm telling myself right now to move on...whats done is done...that goes for my other (as yet with unknown grades) subjects. I must concentrate on my studies. For REAL this time. I have to exercise strict computer discipline...because this fucking piece of machinery is always distracting me from work! From next week onwards I will not switch on the computer until Fridays. This means I will only update this blog on fridays, not that I update it very often anyways.

The first charge wasn't very effective, I must regroup and consolidate and go for another offensive. This time I will dispense no mercy...

2003-09-27T15:00:00.000+08:00

Today was my birthday!!! You know what I got for a birthday present??? I got to get up early in the morning...go to Pioneer Junior College to sit for Chinese B Oral!!! Some birthday present huh??? Actually I shouldn't be grumbling, I think I fared fairly well for my oral.

Went out with Brian after that. Bought my first Zone CD (which I am listening too while writing this). Ate steamboat too!!! Sigh...tomorrow still got my Chinese tuition...well...at least 99% of my prelims is over...I still got chinese B prelims but i think i can slack a bit and rest.

Rest...that word...I am beginning to love that word...

HEY!!! TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! I SHOULD BE HAPPY!!!
I can look forward to a new CD and MP3 player though, my dad promised to "sponsor" me the money. Haha. Finally!!! My very own player man!!!

Frankly...can't wait to get it!!! YEAH!!!

2003-09-23T18:33:00.000+08:00

I feel...deflated...just got home from my human geography paper and boy am I spent! Not that the paper was hard or anything, I'm just tired...in fact the paper was quite alright.

I looked at one of the pics me friend Brian posted on Maiko. Suddenly this realisation dawned on me...she kinda looks like one of my classmates too. Yup...she reminds me of a much much much slimmer version of my classmate Glory. Yah...definately...the same face shape, that hair style, except that my classmate Glory is...a bit on the...chubby side? Ah well...

Arrgh...I'm brain dead right now...I think I'll just chill out today and recuperate from today's test, really drained me man...3 hours of super non-stop writing. My hand aches. I think I'll just go chiil out and have some fun.

Geez...this has got to be one of my shortest posts ever!!! :)

2003-09-22T13:59:00.000+08:00

Darn it. just had my Literature paper 8 prelim test today (comment and appreciation). I think I screwed it up. Used about four sheets of paper. For my first essay, I wrote about nearly three pages. For my second essay I wrote about three and a quarter page. In my opinion, I think I wrote too little. Miss Latimer told us to go back and analyse ourselves. Thats what I intend to do now.

I initially adopted this attitude of thinking that I couldn't do anything about paper 8. You either had it or you don't. After all...in paper 8 you don't have a text to study. But i stand by what Reuben said today, we can't just stand by and say that we can't do anything for paper 8, there are things we can do to prepare.

Second, I have to be more disciplined. This bloody computer is one hell of a distraction, I'm too damn addicted to computers and computer games. I have to learn how to exert more restraint. I'm really impressed by Brian...he actually writes essays for his history...me? I just read my geography text...and even then I have trouble concentrating on the text, my mind always running all over the place. Reuben is right...it would be good if I failed my prelims, at least that would scare the shit out of me into seriousness. It seems my class's slack attitude has spread to me...

Now I'm putting blame on others...actually whether I fail or pass is up to me, I can't go around blaming other people for my false.

Its wierd really...initially I was really putting in some sort of effort...now I'm slacking off too much. I guess its fatigue and its somewhat normal in exam conditions. Still...I am not going to use this as an excuse for my inherent laziness. Its time to buck up Benji boy!!!

Haha...Brian gave me a preview of the Zone DVD cover. Now ALL the zone girls have long hair. I like long hair, I don't know why, I think it gives a certain feminine elegance to girls. Hah...but the Zone girls...they all look so decent now...like school girls (actually they are).

Here's something to be grouchy about...I spend two days downloading the Homeworld 2 (an RTS PC game) demo. 50% on the first day and the other 50% on the next. Then it says I need DirectX 9.0 to play. Okay fine...so I download the darn thing from the internet. When I play the game they tell me that the game operates best on OpenGL 1.3, mine was 1.2. Thats not all...my hardware does not support some per pixel dot shit thing and cube mapping and I have to upgrade my hardware to play the darn game. I try playing the game and it just hangs up and returns me to windows. Sheesh...spend so long downloading it and I can't play the shit game.

However, now that i'm thinking about it, perhaps thats a good thing, fewer distractions to my studies. Perhaps god is doing me a favour by preventing me from playing that demo. Thats the thing about me see...when I get a new game...I start playing it like nobody's business and all I do is think of it and want to play it. Frightening eh? Thats the price you pay for computer game addiction.

Like I said before...enough playin and foolin around...time to get serious and down to business! I vow to do my best for my A's, I will study and study hard, I will make the most of my life. I only get one shot, might as well make it count. I will go in with guns blazing...so help me god!

2003-09-13T13:55:00.000+08:00

Sigh...I feel...tired. Just got back from econs tuition and dinner with my dad. Man! My econs tutor really knows her stuff, the way she analyses and evaluates the essay...phew! Sometimes she intimidates me, makes it seem as though you have to be THAT good to get that illusive "A".

Ate at a Japanese restaurant today. Hoshi, at IMM. My dad and I were walking about after that, we visited Courts looking at the prices of Laptops, PCs and CD PLAYERS! I saw a nice one that looked like the one Dan Dan (one of my college acquaintances) has. Too bad, it can't play MP3!!! That sucks...but it was only about 200+ bucks, I suppose so, viewing that its more or less just a discman. What happened next was kinda surprising. I saw Mr. Anand and his wife at Courts. He was right in front of me but he didn't notice me, he took a right turn when he was about a metre in front of me. I pointed to my dad and he recognised him too. Thats something eh? Mr Anand is one of the Literature tutors at my college, quite a good one too. He's not the type you'd fancy meeting at Courts though...

Ah well...thats it for today. I don't want to think about studying or revision right now...too tired. Ciao!

2003-09-11T17:14:00.000+08:00

It has come...the fear I mean...it has finally arrived. Went for a dentist's appointment at SGH, School Dental Centre today. Got me teeth checked out and polished. Doctor gave me a letter to the National Dental Centre, apparently I have a wisdom tooth that has not erected properly (perhaps this explains my lack of knowing and wisdom? Haha).

I came home, took a nap took a bath. In the bathroom, on the toilet seat (yah naked and all, don't start imagining things), having a shit and thinking about my prelims and studies when i finally realised that what I am attempting to accomplish cannot be done by this week. For tha past few days I have been revising by making my own notes from my school notes. A tedious process that I now realise is a bit too slow. Suffice to say...my revision has gone too slow as a result. At this realisation...the fear struck.

Its always like this, no matter how hard I prepare, fear will launch a sneak attack that always catches me by surprise. Surprise might be a tactical advantage as they say in the military but unlike in warfare, this element of surprise has...shall we say...questionable effectiveness on the part of fear.

As I have said before, no matter how scared I am or how slow my revision is...I am determined...determined to do my best at all my tests no matter how shitty my revision was. I will not let fear get the best of me...instead I will use fear as a driving force...to fuel my energy to study and revise...yes...that should be the way.

I have another dentist's appointment next week Friday. I can only thank god that I have no exams on that day. Gotta get that slanted wisdom tooth checked out (bad connotations and all intended).

Life goes on...the bell tolls for thee, I take up the call to arms and I charge headlong into the face of fear...

2003-09-09T23:25:00.000+08:00

AHHHHHH...its been awhile. Would have loved to have written here last night...but for some reason...couldn't get to this blog site...must have been overloaded with people or something.

Beautiful rain last night...I love rain, can't explain why, perfectly condusive mood for writing. Too bad I couldn't.

Tuesday already. Been doing quite a bit of studying. Finished Economic change and Developement for human geog (its not econs though it sounds like it). Did econs today. Finished making notes for Labour Market, Unemployment and Economic Growth. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this is still not enough. I would have loved to have started revision earlier. I didn't have the time and will to do it...its hard to do your homework and
do revision and have energy for both.

Still...I'm glad that at least I've gotten underway, that nagging voice in my head has quietened down a bit. I can take comfort in saying that at least I've put in the work.

Still Reuben or Brian would probably tell me that the work alone is not enough and they'd be right. Whats the point in putting in the work and not succeeding? I read Brian's blog, quite pessimistic but definately realistic, quite different from my previous long rambling entry. I guess I had a quite an inspiration that night.

I still stand by what I said though. The point I was making was making is psychological as well as philosophical. Nothing in live that has worth can be achieved without work. That's what I'm doing now. The point is that work is not a ponderous business, it is a journey that leads to the culmination of a result, ultimately an experience in life. I believe that the process of work contributes to that final experience even if it is painful. Experiences are what make up the life and the person. Thereby the process of work is the process of experiencing life (most would disagree). If you work, and you work hard, you have experienced a part of life despite the consequence, be it success or failure. Thats why I say that even in working, one has lived.

I admit that this philosophy is somewhat...optimistic or utopian even...perhaps a tad bit too romantic. Life is sometimes an extremely arduous, sometimes painful ordeal. I have experienced it myself. I entertain such ideas as a source for inspiration and strengh, so far it has provided me with the will to continue my studies.

My other reason is much more personal. Ever since I entered JJC my life has taken a turn for better. My skin has improved dramatically, I have friends and most amazing of all...I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE!!! Something I never thought I would ever experience. Since then I have become tired of unhappiness, fear and doubt. I was quite dark once...no longer...I have seen the light. Fear, doubt and the darkness will always remain, whether they exist at the moment or as scars of memory...it does not matter. I am now determined to embrace the light, to at least become a better person.

In the course of that, I have resolved myself not to give in to dispair and be gripped by all consuming fear. That is why I have forged my little saying. So that if I do fail (of which there is a real possibility), I will have the strengh to move on and that I will not give in to dispair. And thats that.

Oh dear...another long tiresome and rambling entry! AH! Why bother! I come here to reflect upon my life anyway! Here's a toast to life and living!!!

2003-08-31T00:30:00.000+08:00

I HATH LIVED

Darkness,
Thou try'est to blind me,
Thou try'est to kill me,
Yet hath I to fall.
This I swear'th,
To fight
To thy dying breath.
To stand
To thy dying end.

Darkness,
Thou might blind me,
Thou might kill me,
Before thee I might fall.
But I hath sworn
To fight
To thy dying breath.
To stand
To dying end.

Thou might bring'st death
Unto me.
But I say to thee,
Laugh not, out loud,
Chide not, your triumph,
For though thou kill'est me,
For though I die'st,
I hath fought thee,
I hath stood against thee.

For mine fighting,
For mine standing,
I hath lived.
I HATH LIVED!

2003-08-31T00:06:00.000+08:00

Wow! Its been a long time since I've updated my blog. Didn't have the time or will to do it for a while.

Only two or so weeks to my prelim examinations. Then its only a few weeks after that till the A' Level!!! =-(
This is very scary!!! And to top it all off...my revision for my tests is falling severly behind schedule! Like what Bjorn (a guy from my economics tution class) said "there's never enough time".

Fear seizes the mind, this is so in my case. As my literature teacher puts it, it causes the "paralysis of the will". I have somehow managed to find the determination to carry on with my studies. It occured quite randomly...I was worrying about my studies as usual when it just suddenly struck me, "you only die once". its quite silly actually, I remembered this quote from an episode of Ally McBeal (a sitcom that I now find...stupid). Somehow it stuck to me.

It was the same quote that I used to sustain me through Pre U Sem. During the myriad presentations and lectures given by various VIPs, I made it a point to ask questions on behalf of my college. It was a gripping process I tell you. I experienced a nearly overwhelming fear, a fear that turned my hands cold, a fear that turned my will against me, a fear that made me want to shrink into the shadows in obscurity. When that happens I told myself, "look here buddy, you only die once! Give it a shot!" And that was that, i managed to pluck up my courage and ask those questions in an entire lecture theatre full of students (some of them with malicious intent).

I had forgotten this quote after Pre U Sem. Then I found it back again. It wasn't the kind of discovery that gave you "a universal feeling of well-being, inspiration and enlightenment", I personally don't belief in the kind of...bullshit. But I got this feeling, this gut feeling, that this is it...this is why I am here, in JJC.

I am here in JJC to gain an education. An education into life and academia. I only have one life, one chance, one shot, I have to make it count!

So come on fear. Give me your best shot. You won't be beating down this little guy. I don't care if my revision is behind schedule...I don't care if I get worried or that I entertain premonitions of doom...I have one life to live, one life to make it count, I have to be all I can be.

I am going to study! I will study! I will enter my exams with the knowledge that I have tried my best. I will study not for good grades...but because this is what life is all about...doing your best. And on that day I walk into the school hall to collect my results, I will have my head up high, I will walk the walk, I wil be a pillar of steely confidence. And when I receive the slip bearing my results, I might laugh, I might cry, but I have this one assurance that I will thence be proud of, that i would have tried my best, that I would have fulfilled the one prime purpose in life, to make the most of it and to try once best...against all odds.

If I succeed and my goals are reached...I will laugh in the face of fear and doubt and all that has ever stood in my way. If I fail to reach my destination, my head will still be high. Though my heart will bear the burden of sorrow and sadness, I will still stand tall. My happiness can be taken, but not my dignity, not my pride! For I would have lived! FOR I HAVE LIVED!!!

And for that...I will still laugh...for fear, doubt and all that stood in my way have not defeated me. They might have lowered me a notch. But they have not killed my spirit, they have not killed my soul. FOR I HAVE LIVED!!!

This I promise myself, I will study and study hard. In the end, whether success or failure prevails...it won't matter in the long run...FOR I HAVE LIVED!

2003-08-05T23:40:00.000+08:00

Phew...today was one crazy day. CRAZY!!! I never went through a day quite lie this...

Okay first I get back a failed GP essay and I become grouchy for a while...but I recover a short while after that. Thankfully I didn't go overdrive into my "nutcase special" as my friend Brian calls it. I got to geography class and I observe that Chi is mighty upset about something. On his table was a box with a fabric-like cover typical of those boxes used to contain antiques from China.

I remember seeing that box formerly in the posession of Claudia during GP. I asked her what it conatins...she said it was personal. During geog, Chi abruptly turned around back to Claudia and gave the box back saying "its not mine..." I asked Ming Hann what this was all about. He said he knew what was in the box...but refused to tell me because he was not obliged to reveal things of such a personal nature. he obviously knew something was going on and he warned me not to get involved. I agreed.

Then later while we were going towards LT1 for our econs lecture, Lay Hoon marches up to Joshua and they erupt into an explosive argument. At first i thought they were just joking (Joshua and Lay Hoon usually engage in friendly arguments) but after a while I realised they were REALLY arguing. I tell you...all the vulgarities came out...thankfully no teacher was there. I can't really make heads or tails of what they were quarreling about...something about Joshua harassing Lay Hoon's friend and something about somebody insulting somebody's parents as well...than there was Ming Hann trying to act as peacekeeper and trying to "cool down" Joshua...

After geog lecture, I saw Claudia and Chi talking...by the time i was within earshot range...Chi was starting to walk away...I heard Claudia saying, "I'm trying to break up with you lor...thanks a lot!" Yup, something is definately up man.

Immediately after that, I heard Shermaine, Lay Hoon and Chi talking about a "her", presumably Claudia and something about her not understanding or being sensitive to his feelings.

Then after lessons I was going home at the bus stop when I saw Claudia...sitting very closely next to another guy who I don't recognise (in JJC uniform). I mean they were sitting REALLY CLOSE to each other...you know...arm to arm? They were just sitting there quietly, Claudia evidently distressed, somewhat looking angry from the looks on her face...

Like I said to Aida during our lunch break...today is one of those crazy days.

All this "class politics" is very distracting. I was initially very concerned about what was going on, especially since these people were my friends. But thinking about what Ming Hann said...its better to ignore friendship and political issues right now...now is the time for studying, not bickering.

Today was a real eye opener...there is great discord in my class...Shermaine, by siding with Chi might be effectively cutting her formerly close ties with Claudia. Then of course there is that argument between Joshua and Lay Hoon...made worse by the fact that Claudia is now very close to Joshua...I see a split...a split into two different camps...possibly of war...

Am I exaggerating? I think not...I doubt these things will clear over quickly...giving to the temperamental nature of the subjects currently involved in this debacle. Despite all this, i have chosen my side...which is my own. I best not get involved, now is the time to be a bit selfish I think, especially with exams round the corner.

I can only pray that all these quarrels will blow over...I sincerely hope that we can end this year and the A levels on a note of joy and pleasant memories...instead of pain and hate. Although I maintain that I will remain neutral and unconcerned...I cannot help but feel helpless and sorry for the quarrelling parties. They must have sustained great emotional damage already...

2003-07-18T18:04:00.000+08:00

Another long day today. I went to school feeling real edgy today. I had a hunch that we might be getting our Literature of physical results today, thus my anxiety.

I thought Tim Dore would come in during Lit lecture today and give us our papers, but what we got was Paul "Pork Chop" Chow. Crazy guy that fellow. Went saying things about dancing naked on the stage and the Malay dance people looking like drag queens. Some sense of humour he's got...

I did manage to know my results for physical geog though. 34/45, not too bad. Plus my overall for my geography was a B. That was perhaps the best thing today. Might be a compensation for my atrocious econs results. Still...must work harder, I know I'm capable of getting the vaunted A for geography. MUST GET THAT A!!!

Brian just got back his econs result. He got an E overall. He's practically pissed with himself and fuming mad, he went a bit "nut case" during GP, i don't blame him, besides going nuts is a good way to relieve the anger. I wonder how his parents are handling it...he was wondering with a considerable amount of fear on how he should break the news to his parents.

Yo Brian!!! If you're reading this...don't worry, BE HAPPY!!! It sucks when you get lousy marks, but its better to get lousy marks now then later during the big A's. You hear me buddy!!?? Chill man!!! Let's work for that B or A together!!!

Now i just got to worry about lit results...geez...I hope I do well. I get this foreboding that I might not perform THAT well though...but I always get this feeling when I'm anticipating results. Wonder what old Dore's up to. I heard from Adib during chinese that he was interviewed by the News. He was at his favourite bar and hangout place. For good reason apparently...that was the last day his revered bar was to be open. Apparently the authorities were planning on closing the bar to build a road or someting across it. I kind of feel sad for the old bugger...and contemptuous at the same time! What the hell was he doing at the bar when we were here in school dying from the tension of waiting for our results!!! But we can't blame him...he's got his own passions as well...we're all ultimately human after all.

2003-07-18T00:20:00.000+08:00

Sigh...I haven't been updating my blog for a few days now...just too lazy to do it. Just got my economics results today. FAILED!!! I refuse to concede defeat though, I believe I can pass in future!!!

Okay...I passed my econs case study with 17/50. Failed my essay and MCQ both with 13/50 and 13/30 respectively. Total? Only an AO pass of 40%. Depressing? Not that much actually...I was more relieved that I didn't fail so badly...what an odd concept...failing with grace...I guess I was mentally prepared since I knew beforehand that my entire class failed! Even before that I was anticipating failure (resultswise not spiritwise).

My human geography was slightly better. 28.5/45. That makes 63% if converted to over 100%. Would you believe that my score was the best in the cohort!!! That was perhaps my one comfort preventing me from getting even more perturbed than I already am. There was another girl from a science class that got the same score as me...stiff competition i'd say. This is competition of the good natured and academic kind not the cutthroat type. My friend Brian seems to think his class has a lot of this cutthroat competition...especially after that small "incident" that kinda got him pissed with some other friend of his (who I know as well).

I've changed...a lot...I notice it myself. Back then...such poor dismal marks that I'm getting would have sent me in a downward spiral into depression. Even during a tutorial, getting a question wrong would induce me to perceive that the end of the world is coming. Thats the truth! No kiding! And if Brian...if you're reading this...thats why I had a higher frequency of doing the "nut-case special".

Now I'm proud to say that my dismal marks don't depress me as much. I accept it and move on...with a greater determination to get good marks. I consider this a good sign, I personally think it is a sign of emotional maturity. I have Pre U Sem to thank for this...the experience as well as getting the opportunity to lead the oral presentation team gave me a new sense of confidence I never really had before. The good thing is that my confidence is not being undermined by......other......factors (I do not feel it is time to discuss these "factors" as yet, care to take a guess Brian? I doubt you'll guess right!).

Sigh...I still miss those days at Pre U Sem. They were a life changing experience (Brian would MOST DEFINATELY agree! RIGHT A NOT BRIAN!!!???). Ah yes...Agatha...the girl with the "tude" that I felt somewhat attracted too...well...she's practically not answered my sms and e-mails now. Sad...but there are more fish in the sea. i might have frightened her of. Must be more refined and subtle in my fishing technique. Agatha? I've gotten over her. Frankly my interest in her was only one of curiosity. I was only merely entertaining the thought of a relationship with her, I was never really THAT serious (don't dispute me on this one Brian...i know myself). Although...I did feel guilt...guilt at scaring her off or maybe freaking her out. I hate it when I scare people off or give them the wrong impressions.

I think thats enough for today. I've done some self-reflection already. I'll end with this little quote thats kinda cool...

Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
-Thomas Edison (or was it Newton...I always confuse the two...)

2003-07-11T15:06:00.000+08:00

Denial...hmmm...an interesting psychological condition.

A friend of mine read my previous blog entries (the one where I was talkin about failure) and claimed that I was in a state of denial. In part he might be right as I am trying to avoid the fact that I did fail in my tests. But I tend to disagree.

I was merely toying around with the notions of failure and trying to convince myself that failure is a relative subject. However I do still maintain the truth in my mind that (statistically) I did fail my exams. I did not fully (as in mentally and physically) deny that I failed my exams. Therefore I would argue that I am not completely denying my lacklustre performance in my exams.

Denial eh? An interesting topic for todays discussion. I tend to view denial as the complete inability to accept the current circumstance or reality which one finds himself in. This is a rather generalised and extreme view on the subject though...denial exists on several levels although most of the time is closely associated with depression.

2003-07-09T16:37:00.000+08:00

New day...new pains...just got word from my Economics teacher that my ENTIRE class failed the economics mid-year examinations test! She said only 50% of my class managed to pass with 2 digit scores over 50 for the essays! Thoroughly depressing! Now I have to contend with the certainty of failure and the uncertainty of the magnitude of my failure...

...well at least there is some certainty today, abeit it being bad news...

Hmmm...failure...a very feared word, especially in Singapore. Why do we fear failure? How do you define failure? What is failure in the first place? Is it my inability to achieve the minimum passing grade for my tests? Is it not being able to secure a job with 4 to 5 figure pay? If so than failure is simply a compilation of statistics, a repository of numbers implicating poor performance. Poor performance equals failure? I think not...humans are essentially flawed...we eventually meet with mistakes and our own inabilities. Do we than say that we have failed? That sounds rather final, too resolute for so trivial or small a thing, although exams are seldom small issues. Then again, what significance is this exam in the space of my lifetime, especially since this exam has no life altering implications? NO! I refuse to believe this is failure!

Failure can only occur in a situation of complete fragmentation, a circumstance of total breakdown of EVERYTHING around you. But how do you know if everything around you has been withdrawn and denied or completely destroyed? It all boils down to how you perceive your circumstances doesn't it? It is simply a matter of the human will, the will to get up, dust off the dirt...and keep going. If I am capable of doing so...wouldn't it suffice to say that there is no such thing as failure? Of course, this is under the assumption that I have that mental and physical willpower. A quality that few humans (myself excluded) possess.

Still, I must push on for better or for worse. I am only 17+ years old. I still have a life to live. I take comfort that there is the possibility that there is no such thing as failure in this world. Onward Benji!!! Onward!!!

2003-07-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

First day back at school today. Positively suffering from "holiday withdrawal syndrome". Tutors say my class did badly in our tests. As for me...I alone remain uncertain on my performance during my mid-year exams. I can only do what all my fellow humans do in such times of uncertainty...pray, and hope for the best...

On a more positive note, my failure here is not the end. I entertain a notion that failing now is better, beneficial in fact, than failing during the preliminaries or the actual A Level exams. As all my fellow humans say in such times of uncertainty: "Life goes on..."

Is it not such a perplexing irony, what we homo sapiens do to comfort or condemn ourselves in times of uncertainty? Then again, sometimes uncertainty is what makes our lives worth living is it not? Yet we fear and are repelled by the slightest hint of uncertainty...again, such perplexing irony...

Well...thats life, a cycle of perplexing ironies and paradoxes...

2003-07-08T23:50:00.000+08:00

I am the eye at the centre of the storm. Chaos reigns around me, there is death and destruction. In the midst of the chaos I will be the calm and the peace. I will not waver, I will not succumb to rage. Where there is rage, there is the storm. When the storm has passed, I will remain. Unharmed, in control and at peace.
-Thoughts against Anger

2003-07-07T23:35:00.000+08:00

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-Litany Against Fear