Geez...when was the last time I posted here? Long time ago eh? Been studying...or trying to study as hard as I can...I only have say...2, 3 or so weeks left?

Judgement day coming...and I still don't feel up to it...my econs is still damn weak in my opinion...then theres my geog and all that too...

God give me strengh! God give me hope and God give me the will to excel! Ultimately...God give me good results!!!

Its late today so i'll keep this one real short. So its bye bye for now...

Depressed? Thats what I am now. Just got back some of my results...

GP (General Paper) wasn't too bad...65 overall score...that makes it a B3, have to try to make it an A1!!!

Economics? Thats the sucky part...overall...43% over 100%. Sucks eh??? I really thought one of my essays was good enough to pass...but it turns out it was totally irrelevant...so I failed the fucking thing. Once you fail your essay you might as well fail the whole fucking paper...

Brian said that the subjects that he thought would score well ended up worse than he thought while the subjects that he thought he would fail ended up better. I can't help feeling this applies to my case. Just refer to the paragraph above and you get what I mean...

I can't help but feel very anxious about my other papers. I was quiet confident about my physical and human geography papers...does that mean that they would perform below expectation? When I was taking my Chinese B prelim paper I met Mrs Tricia Seow and I asked her how my Human geog fared. She said I was "passing". I asked by how much...she said she had to rush and that she couldn't reveal anymore info...something about her look when she said that made me uneasy...

I have every reason to feel displeased with myself...I personally feel i have not tried my best and not studied to the max..."I hath NOT lived"...but I couldn't possibly have studied much within a few short weeks...stil its not a good excuse for my sucky performance.

I'm telling myself right now to move on...whats done is done...that goes for my other (as yet with unknown grades) subjects. I must concentrate on my studies. For REAL this time. I have to exercise strict computer discipline...because this fucking piece of machinery is always distracting me from work! From next week onwards I will not switch on the computer until Fridays. This means I will only update this blog on fridays, not that I update it very often anyways.

The first charge wasn't very effective, I must regroup and consolidate and go for another offensive. This time I will dispense no mercy...

Today was my birthday!!! You know what I got for a birthday present??? I got to get up early in the morning...go to Pioneer Junior College to sit for Chinese B Oral!!! Some birthday present huh??? Actually I shouldn't be grumbling, I think I fared fairly well for my oral.

Went out with Brian after that. Bought my first Zone CD (which I am listening too while writing this). Ate steamboat too!!! Sigh...tomorrow still got my Chinese tuition...well...at least 99% of my prelims is over...I still got chinese B prelims but i think i can slack a bit and rest.

Rest...that word...I am beginning to love that word...

HEY!!! TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! I SHOULD BE HAPPY!!!
I can look forward to a new CD and MP3 player though, my dad promised to "sponsor" me the money. Haha. Finally!!! My very own player man!!!

Frankly...can't wait to get it!!! YEAH!!!

I feel...deflated...just got home from my human geography paper and boy am I spent! Not that the paper was hard or anything, I'm just tired...in fact the paper was quite alright.

I looked at one of the pics me friend Brian posted on Maiko. Suddenly this realisation dawned on me...she kinda looks like one of my classmates too. Yup...she reminds me of a much much much slimmer version of my classmate Glory. Yah...definately...the same face shape, that hair style, except that my classmate Glory is...a bit on the...chubby side? Ah well...

Arrgh...I'm brain dead right now...I think I'll just chill out today and recuperate from today's test, really drained me man...3 hours of super non-stop writing. My hand aches. I think I'll just go chiil out and have some fun.

Geez...this has got to be one of my shortest posts ever!!! :)

Darn it. just had my Literature paper 8 prelim test today (comment and appreciation). I think I screwed it up. Used about four sheets of paper. For my first essay, I wrote about nearly three pages. For my second essay I wrote about three and a quarter page. In my opinion, I think I wrote too little. Miss Latimer told us to go back and analyse ourselves. Thats what I intend to do now.

I initially adopted this attitude of thinking that I couldn't do anything about paper 8. You either had it or you don't. After all...in paper 8 you don't have a text to study. But i stand by what Reuben said today, we can't just stand by and say that we can't do anything for paper 8, there are things we can do to prepare.

Second, I have to be more disciplined. This bloody computer is one hell of a distraction, I'm too damn addicted to computers and computer games. I have to learn how to exert more restraint. I'm really impressed by Brian...he actually writes essays for his history...me? I just read my geography text...and even then I have trouble concentrating on the text, my mind always running all over the place. Reuben is right...it would be good if I failed my prelims, at least that would scare the shit out of me into seriousness. It seems my class's slack attitude has spread to me...

Now I'm putting blame on others...actually whether I fail or pass is up to me, I can't go around blaming other people for my false.

Its wierd really...initially I was really putting in some sort of effort...now I'm slacking off too much. I guess its fatigue and its somewhat normal in exam conditions. Still...I am not going to use this as an excuse for my inherent laziness. Its time to buck up Benji boy!!!

Haha...Brian gave me a preview of the Zone DVD cover. Now ALL the zone girls have long hair. I like long hair, I don't know why, I think it gives a certain feminine elegance to girls. Hah...but the Zone girls...they all look so decent now...like school girls (actually they are).

Here's something to be grouchy about...I spend two days downloading the Homeworld 2 (an RTS PC game) demo. 50% on the first day and the other 50% on the next. Then it says I need DirectX 9.0 to play. Okay fine...so I download the darn thing from the internet. When I play the game they tell me that the game operates best on OpenGL 1.3, mine was 1.2. Thats not all...my hardware does not support some per pixel dot shit thing and cube mapping and I have to upgrade my hardware to play the darn game. I try playing the game and it just hangs up and returns me to windows. Sheesh...spend so long downloading it and I can't play the shit game.

However, now that i'm thinking about it, perhaps thats a good thing, fewer distractions to my studies. Perhaps god is doing me a favour by preventing me from playing that demo. Thats the thing about me see...when I get a new game...I start playing it like nobody's business and all I do is think of it and want to play it. Frightening eh? Thats the price you pay for computer game addiction.

Like I said before...enough playin and foolin around...time to get serious and down to business! I vow to do my best for my A's, I will study and study hard, I will make the most of my life. I only get one shot, might as well make it count. I will go in with guns blazing...so help me god!

Sigh...I feel...tired. Just got back from econs tuition and dinner with my dad. Man! My econs tutor really knows her stuff, the way she analyses and evaluates the essay...phew! Sometimes she intimidates me, makes it seem as though you have to be THAT good to get that illusive "A".

Ate at a Japanese restaurant today. Hoshi, at IMM. My dad and I were walking about after that, we visited Courts looking at the prices of Laptops, PCs and CD PLAYERS! I saw a nice one that looked like the one Dan Dan (one of my college acquaintances) has. Too bad, it can't play MP3!!! That sucks...but it was only about 200+ bucks, I suppose so, viewing that its more or less just a discman. What happened next was kinda surprising. I saw Mr. Anand and his wife at Courts. He was right in front of me but he didn't notice me, he took a right turn when he was about a metre in front of me. I pointed to my dad and he recognised him too. Thats something eh? Mr Anand is one of the Literature tutors at my college, quite a good one too. He's not the type you'd fancy meeting at Courts though...

Ah well...thats it for today. I don't want to think about studying or revision right now...too tired. Ciao!

It has come...the fear I mean...it has finally arrived. Went for a dentist's appointment at SGH, School Dental Centre today. Got me teeth checked out and polished. Doctor gave me a letter to the National Dental Centre, apparently I have a wisdom tooth that has not erected properly (perhaps this explains my lack of knowing and wisdom? Haha).

I came home, took a nap took a bath. In the bathroom, on the toilet seat (yah naked and all, don't start imagining things), having a shit and thinking about my prelims and studies when i finally realised that what I am attempting to accomplish cannot be done by this week. For tha past few days I have been revising by making my own notes from my school notes. A tedious process that I now realise is a bit too slow. Suffice to say...my revision has gone too slow as a result. At this realisation...the fear struck.

Its always like this, no matter how hard I prepare, fear will launch a sneak attack that always catches me by surprise. Surprise might be a tactical advantage as they say in the military but unlike in warfare, this element of surprise has...shall we say...questionable effectiveness on the part of fear.

As I have said before, no matter how scared I am or how slow my revision is...I am determined...determined to do my best at all my tests no matter how shitty my revision was. I will not let fear get the best of me...instead I will use fear as a driving force...to fuel my energy to study and revise...yes...that should be the way.

I have another dentist's appointment next week Friday. I can only thank god that I have no exams on that day. Gotta get that slanted wisdom tooth checked out (bad connotations and all intended).

Life goes on...the bell tolls for thee, I take up the call to arms and I charge headlong into the face of fear...

AHHHHHH...its been awhile. Would have loved to have written here last night...but for some reason...couldn't get to this blog site...must have been overloaded with people or something.

Beautiful rain last night...I love rain, can't explain why, perfectly condusive mood for writing. Too bad I couldn't.

Tuesday already. Been doing quite a bit of studying. Finished Economic change and Developement for human geog (its not econs though it sounds like it). Did econs today. Finished making notes for Labour Market, Unemployment and Economic Growth. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this is still not enough. I would have loved to have started revision earlier. I didn't have the time and will to do it...its hard to do your homework and
do revision and have energy for both.

Still...I'm glad that at least I've gotten underway, that nagging voice in my head has quietened down a bit. I can take comfort in saying that at least I've put in the work.

Still Reuben or Brian would probably tell me that the work alone is not enough and they'd be right. Whats the point in putting in the work and not succeeding? I read Brian's blog, quite pessimistic but definately realistic, quite different from my previous long rambling entry. I guess I had a quite an inspiration that night.

I still stand by what I said though. The point I was making was making is psychological as well as philosophical. Nothing in live that has worth can be achieved without work. That's what I'm doing now. The point is that work is not a ponderous business, it is a journey that leads to the culmination of a result, ultimately an experience in life. I believe that the process of work contributes to that final experience even if it is painful. Experiences are what make up the life and the person. Thereby the process of work is the process of experiencing life (most would disagree). If you work, and you work hard, you have experienced a part of life despite the consequence, be it success or failure. Thats why I say that even in working, one has lived.

I admit that this philosophy is somewhat...optimistic or utopian even...perhaps a tad bit too romantic. Life is sometimes an extremely arduous, sometimes painful ordeal. I have experienced it myself. I entertain such ideas as a source for inspiration and strengh, so far it has provided me with the will to continue my studies.

My other reason is much more personal. Ever since I entered JJC my life has taken a turn for better. My skin has improved dramatically, I have friends and most amazing of all...I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE!!! Something I never thought I would ever experience. Since then I have become tired of unhappiness, fear and doubt. I was quite dark once...no longer...I have seen the light. Fear, doubt and the darkness will always remain, whether they exist at the moment or as scars of memory...it does not matter. I am now determined to embrace the light, to at least become a better person.

In the course of that, I have resolved myself not to give in to dispair and be gripped by all consuming fear. That is why I have forged my little saying. So that if I do fail (of which there is a real possibility), I will have the strengh to move on and that I will not give in to dispair. And thats that.

Oh dear...another long tiresome and rambling entry! AH! Why bother! I come here to reflect upon my life anyway! Here's a toast to life and living!!!

I HATH LIVED

Darkness,
Thou try'est to blind me,
Thou try'est to kill me,
Yet hath I to fall.
This I swear'th,
To fight
To thy dying breath.
To stand
To thy dying end.

Darkness,
Thou might blind me,
Thou might kill me,
Before thee I might fall.
But I hath sworn
To fight
To thy dying breath.
To stand
To dying end.

Thou might bring'st death
Unto me.
But I say to thee,
Laugh not, out loud,
Chide not, your triumph,
For though thou kill'est me,
For though I die'st,
I hath fought thee,
I hath stood against thee.

For mine fighting,
For mine standing,
I hath lived.
I HATH LIVED!

Wow! Its been a long time since I've updated my blog. Didn't have the time or will to do it for a while.

Only two or so weeks to my prelim examinations. Then its only a few weeks after that till the A' Level!!! =-(
This is very scary!!! And to top it all off...my revision for my tests is falling severly behind schedule! Like what Bjorn (a guy from my economics tution class) said "there's never enough time".

Fear seizes the mind, this is so in my case. As my literature teacher puts it, it causes the "paralysis of the will". I have somehow managed to find the determination to carry on with my studies. It occured quite randomly...I was worrying about my studies as usual when it just suddenly struck me, "you only die once". its quite silly actually, I remembered this quote from an episode of Ally McBeal (a sitcom that I now find...stupid). Somehow it stuck to me.

It was the same quote that I used to sustain me through Pre U Sem. During the myriad presentations and lectures given by various VIPs, I made it a point to ask questions on behalf of my college. It was a gripping process I tell you. I experienced a nearly overwhelming fear, a fear that turned my hands cold, a fear that turned my will against me, a fear that made me want to shrink into the shadows in obscurity. When that happens I told myself, "look here buddy, you only die once! Give it a shot!" And that was that, i managed to pluck up my courage and ask those questions in an entire lecture theatre full of students (some of them with malicious intent).

I had forgotten this quote after Pre U Sem. Then I found it back again. It wasn't the kind of discovery that gave you "a universal feeling of well-being, inspiration and enlightenment", I personally don't belief in the kind of...bullshit. But I got this feeling, this gut feeling, that this is it...this is why I am here, in JJC.

I am here in JJC to gain an education. An education into life and academia. I only have one life, one chance, one shot, I have to make it count!

So come on fear. Give me your best shot. You won't be beating down this little guy. I don't care if my revision is behind schedule...I don't care if I get worried or that I entertain premonitions of doom...I have one life to live, one life to make it count, I have to be all I can be.

I am going to study! I will study! I will enter my exams with the knowledge that I have tried my best. I will study not for good grades...but because this is what life is all about...doing your best. And on that day I walk into the school hall to collect my results, I will have my head up high, I will walk the walk, I wil be a pillar of steely confidence. And when I receive the slip bearing my results, I might laugh, I might cry, but I have this one assurance that I will thence be proud of, that i would have tried my best, that I would have fulfilled the one prime purpose in life, to make the most of it and to try once best...against all odds.

If I succeed and my goals are reached...I will laugh in the face of fear and doubt and all that has ever stood in my way. If I fail to reach my destination, my head will still be high. Though my heart will bear the burden of sorrow and sadness, I will still stand tall. My happiness can be taken, but not my dignity, not my pride! For I would have lived! FOR I HAVE LIVED!!!

And for that...I will still laugh...for fear, doubt and all that stood in my way have not defeated me. They might have lowered me a notch. But they have not killed my spirit, they have not killed my soul. FOR I HAVE LIVED!!!

This I promise myself, I will study and study hard. In the end, whether success or failure prevails...it won't matter in the long run...FOR I HAVE LIVED!

Phew...today was one crazy day. CRAZY!!! I never went through a day quite lie this...

Okay first I get back a failed GP essay and I become grouchy for a while...but I recover a short while after that. Thankfully I didn't go overdrive into my "nutcase special" as my friend Brian calls it. I got to geography class and I observe that Chi is mighty upset about something. On his table was a box with a fabric-like cover typical of those boxes used to contain antiques from China.

I remember seeing that box formerly in the posession of Claudia during GP. I asked her what it conatins...she said it was personal. During geog, Chi abruptly turned around back to Claudia and gave the box back saying "its not mine..." I asked Ming Hann what this was all about. He said he knew what was in the box...but refused to tell me because he was not obliged to reveal things of such a personal nature. he obviously knew something was going on and he warned me not to get involved. I agreed.

Then later while we were going towards LT1 for our econs lecture, Lay Hoon marches up to Joshua and they erupt into an explosive argument. At first i thought they were just joking (Joshua and Lay Hoon usually engage in friendly arguments) but after a while I realised they were REALLY arguing. I tell you...all the vulgarities came out...thankfully no teacher was there. I can't really make heads or tails of what they were quarreling about...something about Joshua harassing Lay Hoon's friend and something about somebody insulting somebody's parents as well...than there was Ming Hann trying to act as peacekeeper and trying to "cool down" Joshua...

After geog lecture, I saw Claudia and Chi talking...by the time i was within earshot range...Chi was starting to walk away...I heard Claudia saying, "I'm trying to break up with you lor...thanks a lot!" Yup, something is definately up man.

Immediately after that, I heard Shermaine, Lay Hoon and Chi talking about a "her", presumably Claudia and something about her not understanding or being sensitive to his feelings.

Then after lessons I was going home at the bus stop when I saw Claudia...sitting very closely next to another guy who I don't recognise (in JJC uniform). I mean they were sitting REALLY CLOSE to each other...you know...arm to arm? They were just sitting there quietly, Claudia evidently distressed, somewhat looking angry from the looks on her face...

Like I said to Aida during our lunch break...today is one of those crazy days.

All this "class politics" is very distracting. I was initially very concerned about what was going on, especially since these people were my friends. But thinking about what Ming Hann said...its better to ignore friendship and political issues right now...now is the time for studying, not bickering.

Today was a real eye opener...there is great discord in my class...Shermaine, by siding with Chi might be effectively cutting her formerly close ties with Claudia. Then of course there is that argument between Joshua and Lay Hoon...made worse by the fact that Claudia is now very close to Joshua...I see a split...a split into two different camps...possibly of war...

Am I exaggerating? I think not...I doubt these things will clear over quickly...giving to the temperamental nature of the subjects currently involved in this debacle. Despite all this, i have chosen my side...which is my own. I best not get involved, now is the time to be a bit selfish I think, especially with exams round the corner.

I can only pray that all these quarrels will blow over...I sincerely hope that we can end this year and the A levels on a note of joy and pleasant memories...instead of pain and hate. Although I maintain that I will remain neutral and unconcerned...I cannot help but feel helpless and sorry for the quarrelling parties. They must have sustained great emotional damage already...

Another long day today. I went to school feeling real edgy today. I had a hunch that we might be getting our Literature of physical results today, thus my anxiety.

I thought Tim Dore would come in during Lit lecture today and give us our papers, but what we got was Paul "Pork Chop" Chow. Crazy guy that fellow. Went saying things about dancing naked on the stage and the Malay dance people looking like drag queens. Some sense of humour he's got...

I did manage to know my results for physical geog though. 34/45, not too bad. Plus my overall for my geography was a B. That was perhaps the best thing today. Might be a compensation for my atrocious econs results. Still...must work harder, I know I'm capable of getting the vaunted A for geography. MUST GET THAT A!!!

Brian just got back his econs result. He got an E overall. He's practically pissed with himself and fuming mad, he went a bit "nut case" during GP, i don't blame him, besides going nuts is a good way to relieve the anger. I wonder how his parents are handling it...he was wondering with a considerable amount of fear on how he should break the news to his parents.

Yo Brian!!! If you're reading this...don't worry, BE HAPPY!!! It sucks when you get lousy marks, but its better to get lousy marks now then later during the big A's. You hear me buddy!!?? Chill man!!! Let's work for that B or A together!!!

Now i just got to worry about lit results...geez...I hope I do well. I get this foreboding that I might not perform THAT well though...but I always get this feeling when I'm anticipating results. Wonder what old Dore's up to. I heard from Adib during chinese that he was interviewed by the News. He was at his favourite bar and hangout place. For good reason apparently...that was the last day his revered bar was to be open. Apparently the authorities were planning on closing the bar to build a road or someting across it. I kind of feel sad for the old bugger...and contemptuous at the same time! What the hell was he doing at the bar when we were here in school dying from the tension of waiting for our results!!! But we can't blame him...he's got his own passions as well...we're all ultimately human after all.

Sigh...I haven't been updating my blog for a few days now...just too lazy to do it. Just got my economics results today. FAILED!!! I refuse to concede defeat though, I believe I can pass in future!!!

Okay...I passed my econs case study with 17/50. Failed my essay and MCQ both with 13/50 and 13/30 respectively. Total? Only an AO pass of 40%. Depressing? Not that much actually...I was more relieved that I didn't fail so badly...what an odd concept...failing with grace...I guess I was mentally prepared since I knew beforehand that my entire class failed! Even before that I was anticipating failure (resultswise not spiritwise).

My human geography was slightly better. 28.5/45. That makes 63% if converted to over 100%. Would you believe that my score was the best in the cohort!!! That was perhaps my one comfort preventing me from getting even more perturbed than I already am. There was another girl from a science class that got the same score as me...stiff competition i'd say. This is competition of the good natured and academic kind not the cutthroat type. My friend Brian seems to think his class has a lot of this cutthroat competition...especially after that small "incident" that kinda got him pissed with some other friend of his (who I know as well).

I've changed...a lot...I notice it myself. Back then...such poor dismal marks that I'm getting would have sent me in a downward spiral into depression. Even during a tutorial, getting a question wrong would induce me to perceive that the end of the world is coming. Thats the truth! No kiding! And if Brian...if you're reading this...thats why I had a higher frequency of doing the "nut-case special".

Now I'm proud to say that my dismal marks don't depress me as much. I accept it and move on...with a greater determination to get good marks. I consider this a good sign, I personally think it is a sign of emotional maturity. I have Pre U Sem to thank for this...the experience as well as getting the opportunity to lead the oral presentation team gave me a new sense of confidence I never really had before. The good thing is that my confidence is not being undermined by......other......factors (I do not feel it is time to discuss these "factors" as yet, care to take a guess Brian? I doubt you'll guess right!).

Sigh...I still miss those days at Pre U Sem. They were a life changing experience (Brian would MOST DEFINATELY agree! RIGHT A NOT BRIAN!!!???). Ah yes...Agatha...the girl with the "tude" that I felt somewhat attracted too...well...she's practically not answered my sms and e-mails now. Sad...but there are more fish in the sea. i might have frightened her of. Must be more refined and subtle in my fishing technique. Agatha? I've gotten over her. Frankly my interest in her was only one of curiosity. I was only merely entertaining the thought of a relationship with her, I was never really THAT serious (don't dispute me on this one Brian...i know myself). Although...I did feel guilt...guilt at scaring her off or maybe freaking her out. I hate it when I scare people off or give them the wrong impressions.

I think thats enough for today. I've done some self-reflection already. I'll end with this little quote thats kinda cool...

Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
-Thomas Edison (or was it Newton...I always confuse the two...)

Denial...hmmm...an interesting psychological condition.

A friend of mine read my previous blog entries (the one where I was talkin about failure) and claimed that I was in a state of denial. In part he might be right as I am trying to avoid the fact that I did fail in my tests. But I tend to disagree.

I was merely toying around with the notions of failure and trying to convince myself that failure is a relative subject. However I do still maintain the truth in my mind that (statistically) I did fail my exams. I did not fully (as in mentally and physically) deny that I failed my exams. Therefore I would argue that I am not completely denying my lacklustre performance in my exams.

Denial eh? An interesting topic for todays discussion. I tend to view denial as the complete inability to accept the current circumstance or reality which one finds himself in. This is a rather generalised and extreme view on the subject though...denial exists on several levels although most of the time is closely associated with depression.

New day...new pains...just got word from my Economics teacher that my ENTIRE class failed the economics mid-year examinations test! She said only 50% of my class managed to pass with 2 digit scores over 50 for the essays! Thoroughly depressing! Now I have to contend with the certainty of failure and the uncertainty of the magnitude of my failure...

...well at least there is some certainty today, abeit it being bad news...

Hmmm...failure...a very feared word, especially in Singapore. Why do we fear failure? How do you define failure? What is failure in the first place? Is it my inability to achieve the minimum passing grade for my tests? Is it not being able to secure a job with 4 to 5 figure pay? If so than failure is simply a compilation of statistics, a repository of numbers implicating poor performance. Poor performance equals failure? I think not...humans are essentially flawed...we eventually meet with mistakes and our own inabilities. Do we than say that we have failed? That sounds rather final, too resolute for so trivial or small a thing, although exams are seldom small issues. Then again, what significance is this exam in the space of my lifetime, especially since this exam has no life altering implications? NO! I refuse to believe this is failure!

Failure can only occur in a situation of complete fragmentation, a circumstance of total breakdown of EVERYTHING around you. But how do you know if everything around you has been withdrawn and denied or completely destroyed? It all boils down to how you perceive your circumstances doesn't it? It is simply a matter of the human will, the will to get up, dust off the dirt...and keep going. If I am capable of doing so...wouldn't it suffice to say that there is no such thing as failure? Of course, this is under the assumption that I have that mental and physical willpower. A quality that few humans (myself excluded) possess.

Still, I must push on for better or for worse. I am only 17+ years old. I still have a life to live. I take comfort that there is the possibility that there is no such thing as failure in this world. Onward Benji!!! Onward!!!

First day back at school today. Positively suffering from "holiday withdrawal syndrome". Tutors say my class did badly in our tests. As for me...I alone remain uncertain on my performance during my mid-year exams. I can only do what all my fellow humans do in such times of uncertainty...pray, and hope for the best...

On a more positive note, my failure here is not the end. I entertain a notion that failing now is better, beneficial in fact, than failing during the preliminaries or the actual A Level exams. As all my fellow humans say in such times of uncertainty: "Life goes on..."

Is it not such a perplexing irony, what we homo sapiens do to comfort or condemn ourselves in times of uncertainty? Then again, sometimes uncertainty is what makes our lives worth living is it not? Yet we fear and are repelled by the slightest hint of uncertainty...again, such perplexing irony...

Well...thats life, a cycle of perplexing ironies and paradoxes...

I am the eye at the centre of the storm. Chaos reigns around me, there is death and destruction. In the midst of the chaos I will be the calm and the peace. I will not waver, I will not succumb to rage. Where there is rage, there is the storm. When the storm has passed, I will remain. Unharmed, in control and at peace.
-Thoughts against Anger

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-Litany Against Fear